


One Last Time

by specsi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Death, Gen, Major Character Injury, Major Original Character(s), Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-06-26 20:18:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15670557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/specsi/pseuds/specsi
Summary: I missed the outside world. I wanted to see the sky one last time. So I decided that I won't leave this world without a fight. I did what I had to do, to survive.Down here, I became a legend. The Phantom. The Shadow.The Survey Corps went to the Underground once again to capture a new recruit that the Commander sat his eyes on. The rumors of the legendary shadow have made it far. However, the shadow turned out completely different from everyone's expectations. Torn apart from her home and life, she longs to finally find the freedom she never had, but now she has to deal with her reemerging past, the Scouts and the one person she desperately wanted to forget. Each and every day her goal seems further away and she doesn't know just how far she can let it go.Warning: Violence, strong language, character death





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there!  
> Thanks for reading my work. I appreciate it a lot! 
> 
> It'd be awesome if you'd leave a review. I'm here to get better and your feedback would help a lot.  
> I hope you enjoy the story.
> 
> Warning: Strong language, violence in more or less the usual SNK way,

Prologue

_Year 836 ___

__

__I walked through the streets of the Underground, covered with my black cape, using a piece of black cloth to hide my nose and mouth, my hood pulled into my face so nobody would see it._ _

__As usually, I walked through the crowds unnoticed, pickpocketing here and there. Even though it was middle of a day, down here it was murky. The air was heavy, filled with shouting, yelling and chatting coming from every corner._ _

__It didn't take me long to reach the well known door. I opened them and walked into the tavern. It was filled with people, some already drunk. Nobody noticed the slight movement. I was quick. I walked to the bar, greeted the old man with a slight nod and exchanged the money I stole for bread. This was the place I usually went to for food._ _

__Exactly like I came, I disappeared without a sound. Unnoticed. I walked through the street, paying attention to what was happening around me. I took a sharp turn to the right and walked into an empty alley. I sat into a shadow, leaned against a wall and started eating the bread I bought. Finally, after more than a day without food, I was able to get this._ _

__I ate some and left the rest for later. It seemed to be a peaceful day, which I was thankful for. A break would, indeed, be very helpful from time to time. However, that's not exactly how the Underground works, I learnt that a long time ago. It has been six years since I saw the sky._ _

__I missed the outside world. I missed her and I missed my life. I wanted to see the sky one last time._ _

__That's why I decided that I won't leave this world without a fight. So I did what I had to do, to survive._ _

__No one has ever seen my face. No one was ever able to catch me. They say it's as if you know I'm there but you can't see me. No one knows where I hide. No one knows my next step._ _

__Down here, I became a legend. The Phantom. The Shadow._ _

__

__I stayed there, hidden in the alley, until I heard a zipping sound. I carefully peeked into the street and saw the Military Police chasing someone. I almost started laughing. Just the idea of them being capable of catching someone from here, who isn't completely useless, was hilarious. Here, people were having fun watching their incompetent asses try and fail over and over again._ _

__They were pretty close to me though, so I decided to get away. I wasn't taking any risks. Besides, why would anyone stay anywhere near those bastards voluntarily?!  
I put on the cloth and my hood and ran away, through the shadows, unnoticed. It was a little difficult to avoid all the people, but I managed. As always._ _

__The night was slowly coming and the streets became darker, which was an advantage to me. I ran a little longer to make sure I'm far enough when I suddenly saw a pair of glowing eyes in front of me. It was the small kitten I gave food to a couple days ago. I slowed down and approached it. She meowed quietly and let me stroke her._ _

__This part of town was almost empty and we were on the street alone, so I sat down and brought the kitty into my lap. I always had a soft spot for cats. That's a thing I got from my mom. She loved them as well._ _

__I stayed there for quite some time. The cat eventually left and I was alone. I thought that it was time to go, but a question I couldn't answer came. Where do you want to go? I had nothing. No place to stay. Nowhere to go to. So why not to stay? I sat there a little longer._ _

__I didn't expect anyone to use that street, but life never even considered my expectations. A person appeared out of nowhere and ran towards me pretty fast. He didn't seem to notice me though and I didn't have time to go away. I tried to avoid contact but it didn't work.  
He tripped over my leg and fell on the ground. In a blink of an eye, he was back on his feet and staring at me. I could see the cold glare clearly despite the darkness around us. It was scary but I didn't flinch. He slowly walked to me. I didn't move._ _

__"What the hell was that?" His voice was calm but I could sense the anger. I didn't move. He came closer, grabbed my arm and pinned me against a wall._ _

__"I asked you something brat." His eyes were piercing through me, even though they were partially hidden behind his raven black hair._ _

__"Not my fault you can't run." I said calmly. My face was still hidden. The grip on my arm tightened and he pushed me a little harder._ _

__"Tch. An attitude problem, I see." His voice was blunt, bored even. However, there was something about it…_ _

__"I could say the same thing about you." I said and saw him smirk._ _

__"What's your name?" I asked curiously, not expecting an answer. He didn't say anything for a while._ _

__"Levi."_ _

__"Nice to meet you, Levi."_ _


	2. I Call This Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> This chapter is in the present time. Throughout the book I will be jumping back and forth between different parts of the past and the present, but it will stay organized and hopefully understandable. Please do leave comments below, I'd really love to know your thoughts on this. 
> 
> Also, it's happening before the official story arch, but eventually it will catch up with the official story. I will see how exactly it will look later, but I want to follow the story at least partly, most likely I won't be making too much of my edits. But that will come a lot later. I'm not exactly sure if this qualifies as a slow-burn, but probably yes. 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy the reading! 
> 
> Warning: the usual strong language, violence, minor character death

I Call This Home

 

_Year 847 ___

__

__Another pointless day was slowly passing by. Another pointless day spent in this dump._ _

__The Underground was just as murky, dark, filthy and disgusting as usual. Crowds of sweaty people blocking the streets, egoistic idiots fighting like children on every other corner and passed out drunks laying here and there. The air couldn't be nor heavier neither stickier than it already was. The shouts, yells and desperate screams echoed between the buildings squished against each other. Wherever I looked, I could see people trying to sell stuff for a prize too high, steal something or drown their demons in alcohol. Not that it would work._ _

__I walked down the street wearing my usual black cape, hood pulled into my face and a piece of black cloth covering my nose and mouth. I avoided the middle of the road just as I avoided getting too close to any door. The shadows provided a decent protection and I was able to go unnoticed. Hiding in huge crowds or dark places was always so easy for me. Being small and quiet is an advantage in my opinion._ _

__Just as I walked behind another greedy seller and pulled his wallet out of his pocket without him noticing, I realized that something didn't feel right. I quickly opened the wallet, pulled out what little money was inside, stuffed them into my own pocket and let the wallet fall down on the muddy ground, without slowing down, leaving it and seller far behind me. I kept my head straight but my eyes scanned everything around me._ _

__Soon, my intuition was screaming. I kept walking and was able to see a certain person behind me every time I turned around a corner. Someone was following me. My first try was to blend in the crowd, yet I could still catch a glimpse of him every now and then, not that far behind me. He was pissing me off. I stayed calm though, and continued walking so he wouldn't suspect anything. Once I made sure that the person was alone, I took a sharp turn to the right, made a few steps into an empty alley and hid in one of the shadows cast down by the buildings. Of course I wasn’t completely invisible, but the time it would take for him to get used to the dark and carefully search the shadows would give me an advantage. I stood still and watched as he slowly walked into the alley, lit from behind by the light on the street, and took careful steps deeper and deeper, trying to find me, or any sign off which direction I continued in._ _

__I waited a little longer, listening to the footsteps getting closer and closer._ _

__

__Step_ _

__Three._ _

__

__Step._ _

__Two.  
_Wait. _____

____ _ _

____Step._ _ _ _

____One._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Step._ _ _ _

____Zero!_ _ _ _

____I swiftly jumped out of the shadow as he was right in front of me. Before he could react, I grabbed his collar tightly with my left hand and pulled him closer while kicking his feet from underneath him, so he buckled towards the ground. I let a knife from my sleeve fall into my right hand and quickly pushing it into his upper abdomen. It all took me less than a second._ _ _ _

____He was bigger than me, but looked more chubby than muscular. A crimson circle started spreading on his shirt, surrounding my knife. He stared at me, his mouth wide open and a surprised gasp escaped his lips. Amateur. I was offended that someone thought a person like this would get me. A thick string of blood trailed across the blade and a dark red drops started slowly falling down, staining the ground._ _ _ _

____"What do you want?" I hissed and tightened my grip on the knife._ _ _ _

____"I have... a... a job... for you." He managed to get out between a couple of coughs. He was shaking and it was obviously difficult for him to breathe._ _ _ _

______"First of all, I can't believe anyone with right mind would send such an incompetent ass like you to get me. I take this as an insult."  
I slowly pushed the knife just a little deeper and the string of blood thickened.  
"Second of all, I work alone." 

____I pushed the knife all the way in and watched the crimson circle spread much faster than before. I glared into his eyes and quickly turned the knife in his wound to cause more damage. He tried to get out a sound but my grip on his collar was too tight to let any air escape from his lungs. After a while I could feel his body becoming heavier. I let go of the collar, pushed him away and watched as he fell on the ground, unconscious while the knife stayed in my right hand. The puddle of blood beneath him was getting bigger and bigger. Well, he had it coming._ _ _ _

____"Sure, underestimate me. That will be fun." I looked at him with disgust, knelt down, careful not to stain my clothes with his blood, wiped my knife into his shirt until it was clean and hid it back in my sleeve. I searched him and took the little money he had._ _ _ _

____He was unconscious, bleeding heavily, most likely with an awful internal bleeding as well. If anyone would find him, they’d have a hard time stopping it and without proper medical supplies, it would be almost impossible. Even if they managed by some miracle, there was no way of preventing an ugly infection. He’d die anyway within a couple days. I concluded that there was no use in wasting any more time with him. Whoever sent him would get the message just fine. I walked out of the alley like nothing happened._ _ _ _

____I continued walking down the street, checking whether there still was someone on my back or not. Luckily, all was clear. Not a single person around me seemed to notice me and I relaxed a little. Don't take me wrong, letting your guard down here would be fatal but that doesn't mean one has to be stiff and paranoid. There's a thin line between being cautious and becoming crazy._ _ _ _

____It wasn’t the first time an incident like this happened. When one has a reputation, people of all calibers are able to gather the courage to try and hire them, to do a nasty job no one else would do, if they’re desperate enough. Sometimes, the number of desperate amateurs with virtually no skills, that took their chances, was amusing. The amount of professionals that longed to buy me as a weapon, not so much. I stopped counting how many fights I got into just to stay neutral and without any ties._ _ _ _

____Those who sell their skills never end well. People tend to forget exactly how easily replaceable they are once they’re not convenient anymore. The moment that happens, you can try hard and possibly last a little longer, but it’s only painfully putting off your inevitable disposal. I wasn’t about to go down that way. A fact that the gangs around here had hard time accepting._ _ _ _

____I usually laid low and tried not to get noticed, that was the safest bet. Second safest bet was that they weren’t able to find me. If they managed, the third best bet was that they never managed to call back up or tell anyone where I was. No stray pesky leads was my personal policy._ _ _ _

____I slowly walked down the streets. Most people were heading to the opposite direction and the town around me was becoming calmer and calmer with every step I took towards its edge. Not many people lived there and most of the buildings were abandoned. One huge plus if you ask me._ _ _ _

____I followed the well known pattern of turns I used every day, avoided pieces of walls falling down from above me and paid attention so I would see even the smallest movement in time. I reached my house quite quickly. I wouldn't call the place home, not at all. It was just another, almost empty, building with walls slowly crumbling down. Surrounded by couple huge ones, it was hard to find if you didn't know the way. This, and the fact that neither of the buildings too close to it was inhabited made it a reasonably good place to stay at. And if that wouldn't be enough, people started spreading rumors about an angry ghost seeking revenge who supposedly lived here, so no one set his foot anywhere near._ _ _ _

____The last time a couple of crazy, stupid jerks too full of themselves, determined to find this ghost, were wandering around, I played a little game with them. I chased them around silently without being properly spotted. Knowing your surroundings well has its perks. I threw a couple knives, broke a few bones, and in the end, they were too terrified to even move. Their faces slowly filled horror once they realized that trying to fight or run was hopeless. You can't go against a shadow, right?_ _ _ _

____It worked just as I planned. Three of them never made it out of these streets and that little kiddo at whom I was laughing my ass off, was the one I let to run away, so he could go around and tell everyone about that horrifying thing hiding in the shadows. No more visitors came after that._ _ _ _

____People are too busy begging death to wait a little longer, to be haunting some unknown ghosts. They have their own ones to chase._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Was it necessary?_ _ _ _

____I don't know._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Do I regret it?_ _ _ _

____Not at all._ _ _ _

____I'm just trying my best at surviving. Exactly like everyone else. Sure, I have my own way of doing things and maybe it's not the right one, but I decided not to regret the choices I made._ _ _ _

____Once you start, the regret will eat you alive._ _ _ _

____This tiny building in front of me was the only thing I had and I wasn't about to let anyone take it away from me. It was the one place which I could more or less call safe, without any intruders, gang wars, pesky little amateur brats or annoyingly selfish merchants._ _ _ _

____I moved slowly and gently opened the creaking wooden door. In front of me was an empty room. A little more to my right was one with a bed, and to my left was something that with a tiny help of imagination resembled kitchen. I even found a decent bathroom in the back. Sure, it wasn't much, and most of the stuff was terribly old, but I managed._ _ _ _

____I did my best keeping this place at least somewhat clean. The dust was everywhere and the dirt from outside always found a way to make it in, but I tried. However, the thing driving me crazy was the humidity in this place. Not that it would be different from any other place in the Underground, but I couldn't stand it._ _ _ _

____I put away my cape and the cloth, and rolled up my sleeves. I didn't mind that it was dark here, but I lit up a couple candles in the kitchen, so it would be easier to walk around. I searched through the cabinets till I found out that the only food I had left was bread and a little bit of tea. Well, bread with tea it is then. Not much I could do about that right now. Going out in the evening was risky and as much as I believed in my skills, I wasn't suicidal._ _ _ _

____I sat beside the rusty table I had and started eating what little I had for dinner. I would have to go and get more food tomorrow. When I finished, I washed the plate and the cup. Both of them already had small cracks running through and underneath the surface. I was just praying for them to last a little longer. It wasn't exactly fun trying to get reasonably looking dishes down here._ _ _ _

____I put the plate and the cup back to the cabinet and cleaned around a little when I noticed the amount of dust everywhere. Old habits die hard. Once that was done, I went straight to bed. For some reason, I felt exhausted and sleep came around pretty quickly._ _ _ _


	3. In the Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to the year 827.

In the Clouds

_Year 827 ___

__

__In a small city within wall Rose was a small house with a garden in which lived a small family. They weren't rich but they had all they needed. One day, a young girl and a really pretty woman were laying side by side in that small garden behind that small house. The grass was green, the flowers bloomed and sky was as beautiful as always. The girl stared at the sky, her blond long hair splattered on the ground. She was wearing a blue dress with white flowers._ _

__"Mom?" said the girl with a curious voice without turning her head._ _

__"Yes Honey?" replied the woman patiently and looked at the girl._ _

__"Why does that cloud look like a flower?" asked the girl, pointing at the sky._ _

__"Well, sometimes, even the clouds get bored and they like to play games. So when clouds notice someone observing them, they try to create shapes for us to guess." her mom replied._ _

__"Really?" The girl didn't believe at first, but she quickly cheered up and smiled widely. "I like observing the clouds. They are funny. Do you like it too, mom?"_ _

__"Yes, I do." The woman turned her head to look at the sky again. They remained silent until they heard a sound coming from a nearby bushes._ _

__"Mommy? What was that?" The girl's eyes were now glued on the bush but she didn't move from the ground._ _

__"Don't worry. I'll go check." The woman said and slowly stood up. Her blond hair were tied loosely in a tail, resting on her left shoulder, contrasting with her brown sweater.  
She walked slowly towards the bush which kept moving occasionally. Once she stood in front of it, she knelt down and pushed the branches aside from each other to reveal a kitten sitting there. The woman slowly outstretched her hand for the cat to sniff. After the kitty did so, it meowed and let the woman stroke it's back._ _

__"What is it mom?" The girl asked impatiently and sat up, looking at her mom's back. The woman slowly took the kitten in her hands and walked towards her daughter._ _

__"It's a kitty." She said and brought her closer._ _

__"Wow! She's so cute!" The girl looked at the cat with dreamy look in her eyes. "Can we keep her? Please? Can we keep the kitty please?"_ _

__The woman chuckled at the girl's excitement. "We'll have to ask dad, but I think we can keep her."_ _

__The girl and her mom were playing with the cat, using sticks and leaves as toys. It wasn't long before the door leading from the house to the garden opened and a man in formal clothing appeared._ _

__"Daddy!" the girl called and ran off, excited. She jumped on the man and hugged him. "You're home!"_ _

__"Hi, Sweetie. How was your day?" the man asks, hugging his daughter._ _

__"Great! Look! Mommy found a kitten in the bush! Can we keep the kitty? Please? Can we?"_ _

__The man looked puzzled for a second. The smile on his face was replaced with a fake one._ _

__"I don't think that's a good idea. Let me talk with mom about this, okay?"_ _


	4. Long Time No See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> I appreciate you reading this book! I would love if you left your thoughts and opinions in the comments below. Looking at the story from a different perspective is always very interesting.
> 
> The story should start moving a little more over here, which I'm pretty excited about!
> 
> No more chit-chat, enjoy reading!
> 
>  
> 
> Warning: strong language, violence, the usual

Long Time No See

 

_Year 847 ___

____

 

__

The morning was just as ugly as every other part of any of the days in this fucked up world. I guess by now you can say how much I hate the Underground.

__

When I finally got out of my bed, I was greeted by nothing but the disgusting, smelly air around. No sun, no birds, no breeze. Nothing. My own, personal nightmare that turned into reality so long ago.

__

Honestly, I wouldn't bother going out of the house for couple more hours if I had something to eat. Maybe I would have stayed in the whole day. Unfortunately, life just can't meet my expectations. Hell, it won't even consider my expectations.

__

Since I was getting hungry, I slowly left my room, got dressed into my usual disguise, hid a couple of my favorite knives inside my sleeves, boots and so on, except this time I put on my ODM gear as well. I got rid of the blade holders a long time ago. There were a few little disadvantages to them. They were too big, incredibly annoying and of course completely fucking useless to me. With all straps securely in place I walked out of the house. I sighed when I saw the streets once again.

__

I walked silently, down the road, around the corner and forward. Before I reached the more or less inhabited part of the town, I sent off the hooks towards a wall and flew up onto one of the roofs. The fact that the roofs were flat made it only easier for me. It would also be quite difficult to spot someone on the roof, from the street, so I could relax a bit. I walked slowly. There was no reason to hurry. People started appearing below me as I went towards the city, jumping from one roof to another, using the gear only very little. The further I went, the more people were appearing and I moved a bit further from the edge, lingering a bit longer in the shadows, just to be sure. I tried to not use the gear anymore for now because of the sounds it made.

__

The air was stiff and wouldn't move a single centimeter. The yelling, shouting and screaming was getting on my nerves. Why can't people just shut up for a while?! Ugh! I saw a few kids run around. They obviously stole something. I remembered the times when I used to be just like that. Except I was alone at those times and I wasn't ever noticed.

__

I carefully looked down, trying to find someone who'd be easy. I was nowhere near the mood needed to deal with something requiring too much effort. I was thinking through my options, but didn’t feel like going through with any of them. I remembered how much I wanted to survive and fulfil my promise, which required keeping my body as healthy as possible and feeding it accordingly. I stared into the streets and wished for today to be easy.

__

Then I saw a merchant talking about something too excitedly. His pouch filled with money was hanging behind his back, completely unprotected. Jackpot. I walked to the edge of the building, the side slightly away from the main street, and lowered myself into an empty alley using the hooks of my gear. Then I pulled the cloak over to gear to hide it as much as possible and slowly walked out, into the main street, closing in towards the merchant.

__

I pulled a knife out of my sleeve, hiding it in my hand. As I made my way around him, I gently cut the thin rope on which the pouch was hanging. I stayed calm, pushed the knife back into my sleeve and emptied the pouch into my hand, letting it then fall to the ground a few meters away. Exactly as planned, that stupid pig noticed nothing.

__

When I counted how much was in that pouch, I almost groaned. It wasn't worth it. Sure, it got me some money, but I wouldn't be buying anything for that amount. Maybe if I combined it with what I had from the guy yesterday? It would definitely be cutting it loose, if simply not being enough. I sighed. That meant I had to go through it again. 

__

I decided to use my gear again, and wander away from the mass of people so I could get up into the air without being noticed. After a while I made my way through the side streets, sending my hooks up and switching to the ODM gear in the process. I did a small round and made my way back towards the main street filled with crowds. More people meant more opportunities.

__

I was using my momentum more than the gas to fly above the street so I would preserve as much as possible. I wasn’t going all that fast so I could see what was going on underneath me, but I was high enough to not be recognizable from the ground. Of course people noticed me, the sound of ODM gear was all too well known down here, but as long as I had my black disguise, I was high enough and no one saw me take of, or land, all was fine. This was a risk I decided was worth taking.

__

After few minutes of roaming around, something caught my eye. A little further down the street just right on the edge of an alleyway was standing a young boy, his eyes searching through the crowd. On the first glance he appeared to be waiting for something, but with a closer look I could see him clutching something. I didn’t have much time to examine him, but it was enough. I knew that behaviour all too well. A drug dealer. Scum.

__

I hated those jackasses. The only good thing about them was that they usually had money on them, and they were usually pretty useless at protecting it. I aimed a little further into the streets behind him, made sure he didn’t pay any attention to me and landed down. As my feet touched the ground I ran because of the momentum, but slowed down as I reached a turn. I calmed my breathing and evened my cloak as I steadily walked through the empty streets back towards the center.

__

My steps were silent. Based on the sound I concluded that I was getting closer and closer. When I reached the last corner I stopped, leaned against the wall and carefully peeked out. In front of me was a narrow street directly connected to the main one. I could see the drug dealer standing on the edge with his back towards me, but there was someone laying in the middle of the street. My intuition was sent into a screaming overdrive.

__

I stayed still and waited, trying to see if either of them would move. I focused on the person laying on the ground and concluded that if they were breathing, it was shallow. Their face was planted in the dirt and their limbs seemed twisted in an uncomfortable way. Whoever it was, they were not down there out of their own will or enjoyment. 

__

I decided to walk out and carefully observed for any movements. None. Either they were drunk, seriously ill, or it was too late for them. As I walked closer and closer I figured they must have been unconscious. Due to how narrow the street was, it was difficult to get past them and they could definitely reach me, but it seemed they weren’t reaching anything any time soon.

__

I considered searching them, but if they were drunk they wouldn’t have anything valuable and I wasn’t going to steal from an ill person that couldn’t defend themselves. Even if they were dead because of their own stupidity or just luck, or rather lack of it, the chance of an infection was too big. I was better of as far away as possible.

__

I walked over the body as carefully as I could and continued forward, slowing my movements a little and pressing myself closer to the wall. I had my sight fixated on the dealer in front of me. I was behind him without him noticing me. I clenched my hand into a fist. I swiftly grabbed the back of his collar and pulled it tightly towards me, restraining his breathing as I swung my second hand into his temple. Disoriented with one punch, unconscious with another. I pulled him into the alley so we wouldn’t cause a ruckus on the main street. I laid him down on the ground, checked his pulse and breathing and after I made sure he was fine, I searched him carefully. I was quite happy with the money I found scattered in his pockets. It wasn’t the best one ever, but it wasn’t little. 

__

Then I took the samples he had on him. I stood up and let him lie there as I walked away, carefully stepping around the second body once again. There was no need to get rid of him, he’d be more or less okay once he wakes up. I walked into the back streets and searched the ground for a sewer. Once I found one, I dumped the samples into it. They weren’t about to do any wrong there. 

__

I made sure the money was securely tucked away and wandered around the streets for a while, enjoying the calm, before I was about to head back to the center of the town and find place to buy food. Despite this success, my good mood quickly changed as I approached the busy streets and heard the all too familiar zipping sound of an ODM-gear. Geez, these fuckers again?

__

I stopped, leaned against a wall, partially hidden in a shadow and looked around. I observed a group of soldiers swishing above the town. Was that really the military police? They seemed to be too skilled for that. Maybe they sent the best of their best because of something? Into the Underground District? Why would they bother?

__

Then I realized what seemed even more off than their skill. The green cloaks swaying around them. The military police was not the branch that used to wear green cloaks like these. There was only one branch with these cloaks. These were the Scouts. But why the hell would they be here?! I stayed in the shadow, observing the situation. The soldier gathered at one of the roofs in a small circle and seemed to discuss something. One of the soldiers pointed in my general direction and it looked like their leader nodded and gave out orders. Could they be after me, or was it paranoia?

__

Either way I decided to flee immediately. Better safe than sorry. I started walking away silently until I reached a dark alley and quickly walked in. Once I was completely out of sight, I started running. A little game of tag with the Scouts? Bring it!

__

I've seen nothing suspicious for a while, but kept running through the dark streets. I was fully convinced that they were following me once I saw a glimpse of a few soldiers flying above me. Though being so close, they looked like they had no idea where I was. I smirked.

__

Running with the gear wasn’t the most comfortable, but it was better for the time being than using it. It would be too loud. I took another turn, ran alongside a wall when I suddenly saw a person standing on the roof, looking frantically around. He was probably trying to spot me, but wasn't able to. At least until I ran below him. His head snapped towards the ground, but I was already gone. Despite that, he decided to follow me down the street. A few of his comrades joined him pretty soon. I kept running forward and gaining soldiers on my back. I took a sharp turn which appeared seemingly out of nowhere and lost most of them.

__

The next turn I took lead me to a street that didn't continue too far. Shit. A building appeared exactly where I thought would be another turn. There's always something making my life difficult. I sighed. It looked like I was cornered. I didn't stop running though, and carefully searched the walls for anything helpful. A very risky plan was created in my mind immediately, but I didn't have any other choice. I calmly counted the seconds as I ran forward until the time was right.

__

I threw myself on a wall on my left, jumped and caught an edge of a window with my hands. I swung my legs and used the momentum to pull myself up. Once standing on the window, I swiftly put my foot into a hole in the wall on my right and pushed myself on the roof. The Scouts were closing the gap, but I was quick enough to make it out of there in time.  
I heard shouting behind me as I ran on the rooftops, jumping from one building to another, occasionally taking the ODM gear controls out of the holders and using bits of gas to propel me forward. A plan was forming in my head and so I slowed down and let them get closer.

__

Just as one of them was about to grab me, I ducked, held on the edge of the roof, swung myself around, stretched out my legs and then I let go of the roof which resulted in me getting inside the house through what used to be a window. I rolled on the floor of the room and swiftly jumped back to my feet, continuing forward without a pause. It took me only a second to do this move so they couldn't react in time. I almost laughed when I glanced back and saw their confused faces looking around and searching for me on the ground.

__

I remembered not to waste time and ran through the house. I made my way down the stairs, through the rooms and towards the front of the building. I expected them to be waiting for me in front of the main door, so I turned, dodged a piece of furniture and jumped through a hole in the sidewall, which lead me to a next house. Thankfully this area was abandoned. I really didn’t want to run into someone else right now.

__

I ran through the house and turned left, going once again in the same direction I did before jumping into the window. I assumed that the Scouts wouldn’t be waiting patiently by the door if I hadn’t showed up, so I didn’t have much time. I ran towards a window leading to a back street and decided to switch to ODM gear since I was getting a little out of breath. I jumped, curled myself and went feet first out of the house. 

__

As soon as I touched the ground I fired my hooks into the roof of the building in front of me and sharply flew up, barely missing its edge. I glanced behind me as I flew over the building and saw a few Scouts not too close to me. Perhaps I’d be able to shake them off. Once I was above a street again, I took a sharp turn to my right and continued down that street. As I was about to pass a crossing, I catched a smear of green shoot from below, towards me, on my left. 

__

I shut my gas and dodged it with a free fall. As the Scout passed barely centimeters above me, I propeled myself with my wires forward once again. I took a sharp turn again and tried to come up with an escape plan. These guys were quick, sure, and they gave my trouble, but I was not going to make it easy either. 

__

One advantage they had on me was that they didn’t have to be concerned about the amount of gas they use. Though working with momentum was as fast as using gas, if you had both, the speed became another level. They started closing in on me and seemed to create a formation. Slightly behind me, one on my right and one on my left, narrowing down my path. Suddenly, two of those behind me were moving closer, one aiming up and the other slightly lower. They were trying to cut my routes off, but there was a house, with a window not too far ahead. With a little bit of luck, I could still make it. Well, luck thought otherwise.

__

The two soldiers zipped barely around me in a V form, missing my head and feet only by a few centimeters. As I felt them swish so close, I pushed forward in hopes to reach the window when I felt a kick to my back. The air was pushed out of me and my balance was completely off. It even halfway turned me around towards them. Bastards.

__

I quickly retreated my cables so I wouldn’t get tangled in them and went towards the ground in a free fall. I braced myself. I hit the ground with my shoulder and pushed myself to turn onto my back. I immediately used my hands to flip myself backwards over my head and onto my feet. I took a stable fighting stance a drew my knives into my hands. 

__

Someone moved to attack me, but my arm shot forward and a knife was flying towards him before he could make a single step. My precision was perfect and it scraped his cheek. I watched as he froze and a thin line of blood trailed down towards his throat.

__

"I wouldn't do that if I was you." I said coldly glaring at the soldier. The expressions on his face changed between confused and scared as he wiped away the blood.

__

The situation was nasty. A building behind me, no open turns to my right or left, and seven Scouts in front of me. 

__

Seven of them and I’m still standing, huh? Good job, yay me! Now, how to get out of this sticky situation?

__

All had their blades drawn out and prepared to fight. Maybe I could try to take them on without weapons, but not like this. Their swords were quite longer than my knives. My running options were quite limited too. There was not much I could do besides hope that they won’t be able to lay a hand on me in the end. I had no idea what they wanted to do, but it surely wasn’t a friendly invitation to a tea party.

__

"Hold on." Someone said quickly. It was the blondie, previously giving orders. "I just want to talk." He put his swords away and raised his hands. 

__

My eyebrows shot up. What the fuck?! He took a step forward but stopped immediately when I shifted. This was a damn play and it looked really fishy. There was no way in hell we would just ’talk’.

__

"Make it quick or I'm out of here." My voice still cold, but a hint of boredom was creeping in. This was taking too long for my liking.

__

"I'm Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps." This time, he was speaking slower. I waited for him to continue. "I’ll ask a few questions regarding your ODM gear skill."

__

I took a second to look better at the soldiers around me. There was a small, but pretty girl with light hair and this weirdly determined look in her eyes. On my right side stood two quite high soldiers, one with dark hair pointing backwards and another blondie, this time with a bun and funny little hair falling into his forehead. Their eyes were fixated on me, and though their faces remained more or less expressionless, I could see they didn’t want to be here at all.

__

“Where did you get the gear from?” The commander asked and I kept quiet. Though he didn’t move, his eyebrows did a whole cha-cha slide as he furrowed them. Geez, what’s up with those bushes?!

__

I stayed silent. There was no way to be sure where was he going with this. The looks in their eyes told me this wouldn’t end with a happy wave-and-goodbye after we exchange our grandma-recipes for flying around.

__

On my left stood a giant blondie with a tiny beard. Based on his stance, he was the most prepared to jump at me any second out of all of these assholes. And what the heck is with the blondes? Do they get a collective sale on hair dye or something? Then there was the guy I threw a knife at. Honestly, he looked like he had some problems with digestion, plus his curly hair was stupidly sitting atop his head, making him look like a mushroom.

__

“Who taught you how to use it?” The commander pressed and I stayed silent again.

__

I was sure there was seven of them? Then my eyes landed on a really small one standing beside Erwin. Seven, I knew I counted correctly.

__

I looked him up and felt shivers running down my spine when I saw his face.

__

Was it really...?

__

No way!

__

That couldn't be...!

__

But it was him. No matter how much I never wanted to see him again.

__

I could never forget him. 

__

I tensed. Wherever this was leading, I wouldn’t like it. I had to get away now.

__

“Do you have military training?” He seemed to be getting impatient. Well good, I’m not staying any longer. Not if that tiny bastard is involved.

__

“I can’t tell you anything you wouldn’t already know.” I forced through gritted teeth. I was just about to use the gear again and zip away when I noticed a movement to my left. Erwin must have made a signal because the giant blondie shot towards me.

__

I ducked and kicked his stomach when I felt something grab me from the other side. I used my elbow as I turned and made an impact, possibly hitting their jaw. As I ducked from left again, something swiped at my legs and I wasn’t fast enough to jump away.

__

Before I could jump up from my knees, the two soldiers were holding my arms behind me and pinning me down, while the tiny-ass was holding his blades to my neck.

__

I heard rattling behind me and soon felt my hands being forced into cuffs. So much for a nice chit-chat. One of the blades disappeared from my neck. He put it away.

__

“Who are you?” His cold voice cut through the air and I almost shivered. He reached for the cloth on my face with his free hand as the two other soldiers were still holding me down. I leaned back away from him, even though it sent sharp pain through my arm. It also seemed to piss him off. And there was only so far away I could go.

__

He scoffed and grabbed the piece of cloth on my face, pulling it down together with the hood. His eyes landed on my face and his hand trembled. He lowered the blade slightly, obviously unsure of what to do. 

__

Because of all the years I spent with him, I could read him like an open book. The shock and realization hit him. His eyes widened slightly.

__

"Long time no see, Levi."

__


	5. I Thought...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> Apologies for the late update, I was doing some major edits to the later chapters!  
> The story is still in present time and moving forward.
> 
> Thank you very much for the reading and please do leave reviews, I'd definitely want to read them!
> 
>  
> 
> Warning: strong language, violence etc., the usual.

I Thought...

_Year 847 ___

__

__"Long time no see, Levi." I hissed at him, my eyes narrow and sending sharp daggers through him._ _

__"Lisa?" He whispered almost inaudibly._ _

__My heartbeat fasten when I heard him use the name they gave me so long ago._ _

__I wasn’t sure if anyone could hear us, but I didn’t really care._ _

__"Good to know that midgets have long-term memory too. I wasn't sure." I spit the words out like a poison. I expected him to get angry at me for calling him a midget. However, it seemed like he didn't even notice._ _

__"I thought you were..."_ _

__"Dead?" I finished his sentence. The coldness in my voice surprised even me. "You shouldn’t have underestimated me. If you wanted me dead, you should have killed me yourself when you had the chance." The words were dripping from my tongue, filled with hatred and disgust._ _

__I kept this anger inside for too long. It was bottling up for so many years and I couldn't take it anymore. I was filled with rage._ _

__"What are you talking about?" Levi shook his head._ _

__"You know very well what I'm talking about." It seemed that the others became interested in this conversation. Well, whatever. “So this is what you chose? This bunch pretentious, stuck up, suicidal bastards?”_ _

__“Gh!” A kick landed in my side and I felt sharp pain as I tried to steady my breathing. It was worth it. I was clearly walking on thin ice, but I continued anyway. I couldn’t stop.  
"I can’t believe you left me in this dump for that joke! That you let me to die and rot in here for these pretentious idiots!” Another kick to my stomach made me slightly hunch over, but I gathered my strength to held up my head and stare straight into his eyes. I needed to see._ _

__“Did you walk all over Farlan and Isabel too? Did you do it to them too?!”_ _

__He flinched and the look in his eyes made me freeze and I could feel cold shivers running down my back._ _

__“Don’t tell me…” but he didn’t need to tell me anything. I knew him better than anyone else, and from one look at him, I knew. He didn’t need to tell me anything._ _

__“You bastard! Jackass! Scum of the earth! Disgusting lowlife!” Suddenly the two soldiers had hard time pinning me down._ _

__I even managed to shake them off for a second before they grabbed my arms again. Another one caught my hair, forced my head down onto the ground and jabbed his knees into my back, basically standing on me. A couple more kicks to my ribs came and I gasped for air._ _

__Half of my face was buried in mud on the ground, but I could see Levi standing completely frozen, not moving, even though the three soldiers were still obviously struggling with keeping me down._ _

__“Fucking traitor!” I spit towards him._ _

__“Levi.” Erwin’s voice interrupted my oncoming playlist of carefully prepared words that would best describe the little fucker. He walked towards us and put a hand on Levi’s shoulder. “You’ll sort this out later.” His voice was stern._ _

__Levi took a few steps back and suddenly his eyes were everywhere but not on me. I, on the other hand, ignored this golden-boy and glared at the midget._ _

__“I’ll ask again.” Erwin knelt in front of me. “Who taught you how to use the ODM gear?”_ _

__“I see you have altered the story, huh?” I growled, still staring at Levi. “Coward! But I almost appreciate the sentiment.” Except I didn’t._ _

__The pressure on my head increased and I shifted my sight towards those bushes of doom in front of me._ _

__“I taught myself.” I forced through gritted teeth. I could see Levi flinch._ _

__“I have hard time believing that.” Erwin shook his head a little._ _

__“I have hard time caring about what you believe.” I spat the words back at him._ _

__“What’s your name?” Erwin continued with a hard gaze._ _

__“I don’t have one.” This interrogation was becoming annoying. Erwin sighed._ _

__“I can offer you a deal. I won’t punish your crimes and in return you will work for me. I want you to join the Survey Corps.” His gaze was fixated on me and no one moved a muscle.  
__

___Just who the fuck they thought they were?! Oh, yes, sure Erwin, sir, what can I do for you today? Should I bring you coffee? Do your boots need polishing? Bunch of stuck up bastards pretending to be saving the world! Such a waste of lives!_ _ _

__

__“And why the hell would I ever do that?” If they thought I’d thank them for giving a meaning to my life, hop into that stupid uniform costume and acted like a puppet, they were dead wrong._ _

__“Otherwise I’ll just hand you to the military police, and I wouldn’t expect kind treatment from them.” He stood up. “Choose whichever you prefer.”_ _

__Son of a bitch. A deal my ass. More like hey, let me just friendly blackmail you real quick with options that are almost equally awful, but you get to choose so I’m not the bad guy.  
__

___The pressure from my head disappeared and I could straight up a little. The bunch of self proclaimed pseudo heroes just kept staring at me with disapproval written all over their faces, but no one said a word._ _ _

__

__“Fine.” I glared sharply at him and spit out the mud from my mouth. “I’ll join.”_ _

__

__I glanced at Levi. His mouth was opened slightly and he tried to look angry. It would persuade everyone, except me. I could always find the emotion he was trying to hide, but this time, I couldn't understand it._ _

__

__I shifted my sight back at Erwin. He gave out a signal for the other soldiers to put away their swords._ _

__

__“Smart. Let's go." Erwin said as he turned around._ _

__

__The soldier holding me from behind disappeared and the two on my sides hauled me up to my feet, holding my tightly as we moved forward. The group followed Erwin through the streets, back towards the center of the town from where I assumed we’d be going up._ _

__

__My hood and cloth were pulled down which I didn’t make me happy at all. There was a little chance that at least someone wouldn’t put one and one together, and realize who I was. Great. All those years of careful calculating and hiding were now worth nothing. As we walked through the town, everyone was staring at us. No surprise there. I could hear the whispers coming from all directions and knew that rumors would spread around in less than a week._ _

__

__The times of a living legend ended now. Well, all legends were just pretty stories, perhaps with some truth beneath them, but in the end about ordinary people. Even the legend about an untouchable shadow. I guess this was a reality check, both for me and for people who believed. The little fairytale bringing some magic into their miserable lives was a lie. We’re all just people. Though it was nice to be a living legend. I just stared straight ahead, not meeting anyone’s eye. I always knew I wouldn’t be able to be a living story forever, but I didn’t know it would end so soon. Well, I had a good run. Maybe it wasn’t so bad afterall, I even had fun sometimes. At least I get to fulfill my promise this way.  
__

__

___The Scouts live up on the surface. This could be my only chance to get out of here. I've been stuck in the Underground for too long to believe that there will ever be another way. People who think they can find enough money to buy themselves out are naive. It's bullshit._ _ _

____

__I promised to see the sky at least one last time and this way I would. What comes after that? Who knows... The one thing pushing me forward was a promise that would be fulfilled. Maybe I could start a new life up there? I mean, how hard could it be to disappear? I could make a run for it during a night and they wouldn't even know before it was too late. With some decent clothes I may be able to get a job somewhere. At least I wouldn't have to steal anymore. Maybe I could be finally free? Free from the Underground cage? Free from the stupid need to go on? Free from that unforgiving promise?_ _

____

__I thought about it for a while as the stupid feeling of hope was raising like a bile in my stomach. Geez, this wouldn’t end well. Hope was always just asking to be crushed. And yet, maybe there still could be a nice and peaceful future for me, what do I know. It’s hard to say whether I deserved that, or a special guest spot in the deepest fiery pits of hell._ _

____

__Sheesh, I needed to cut that sentimental bullshit. There still was a long way to go before my death bed as far as I was concerned. Whatever will happen till then, I’ll make sure to regret nothing._ _

____

__

____

__After having walked through the whole town, we were approaching the staircase. I didn’t want to admit it, but that was definitely nerves catching up with me. Man, I haven’t seen their old asses in a long time. Who would have thought I’d have a sweet little reunion with nervousness now?_ _

____

__We stopped in front of the guards and Erwin broke a little away from the group to go talk to them. I didn’t really pay attention to what was going on, but soon enough we were moving again. The stairs seemed to be going on forever when suddenly, I saw it and my insides turned to a jittery mess. So much for my composure and self control. I had brighter moments than this when it came to that._ _

____

__There was a crack between the highest stair I could see and the roof, through which a couple rays of sunshine got in. The more steps I took, the bigger the crack got. Eventually, I was able to see the beautiful blue. My eyes widened. We went up a few more steps. The moment I set my foot out, time stopped. The world disappeared and it was just me and the endless blue._ _

____

__Amazing…_ _

____

__So beautiful._ _

____

__See mom? I made it._ _

____

__I made it mom._ _

____

__I made it out of that nightmare…_ _

____

__The reality slowly came back. As the soldiers mounted their horses while I was let out of the handcuffs. Erwin opened a door of a carriage and motioned for me to go in with him. I sat across from him and looked out of the window as we started moving. We didn't talk and I didn't mind. I honestly didn't care a single bit about him. He was just my free ticket out of there._ _

____

__I stared out of the window and observed how the world around us slowly changed as we went further and further away. The streets became calmer and calmer. The houses became smaller. Eventually, we left the town behind us and I could see the grass, flowers moving in the wind, the clouds on the sky and a couple of white birds flying away. They were so free._ _

____

__It took a couple of hours to get to the Scouts' headquarters, but we finally made it. The carriage stopped and Erwin turned to me._ _

____

__“I considered putting you under scrutiny, but then decided it won’t be necessary. Don’t make me regret that decision.” I could clearly hear the threat in his voice as his stern gaze bore into me. “You’re a full fledged member now.” He continued. “I expect you to behave like one.”_ _

____

__“I’m willing to follow orders that make sense. But don’t expect me to be all about the yes ‘sir, no sir, coming sir’ soldier crap.” I crossed my arms and stared back at him._ _

____

__Erwin sighed. “As long as you don’t disrespect your higher-ups in front of other cadets. You’ll start your training soon.” Then he stood up and stepped out of the carriage. I followed him and noticed that the other soldiers that were with us went with their horses to the stables._ _

____

__"Welcome to the HQ." Erwin said proudly, gesturing towards a rather large castle-like building in front of us. He waited for the girl that was previously with us to come back from the stables._ _

____

__"This is Petra. She's part of Levi’s Special Operations squad to which you'll be assigned as well." he said once she stood next to us. I nodded slightly and observed the girl. She looked nice. “I asked her to show you around.” He nodded towards her and her salute, and turned around, walking towards the entrance._ _

____

__She gave me and awkward wave as her salute dropped and a strained smile settled on her face. “Let’s go.” She motioned for me to follow her and we sat off in the direction off the Commander disappearing in the building._ _

____

__There was silence between us at first, but as we walked through the building she was pointing out different rooms and directions, and I tried to create a map in my mind. The dinning hall, the offices, the dormitories and so on. There were too many door and the corridors seemed endless. All of a sudden, she stopped in front of one of the many doors and I almost bumped into her._ _

____

__

____

__"And this will be your room. Normally, you'd have a roommate but because of..." she hesitated a little, trying to figure out how to tell me nicely that no one wants to stay with me. "...the situation, you'll have it all for yourself." She smiled, trying to persuade me that it's actually a good thing._ _

____

__I sighed inwardly but kept my face still. She grabbed the handle and opened the door, letting me step in the first. Even though she tried her best to be nice and friendly, I could see she was keeping her distance. It was obvious from the way she flinched every time I got closer to her._ _

____

__I looked around the room. There were two beds, each pushed against a wall, opposite to each other. On the wall facing the door was a small window and underneath it was a drawer. Next to a bed on my left was a door. I slowly walked towards it and opened it with a light creek. Behind it was a small bathroom. I stepped back into the room, closed the door and turned around._ _

____

__"Dinner will be in two hours. In case you need something, tell me." Petra smiled at me again. It sounded more like one of those things you say just to seem friendly. I guess she'd be very surprised if I actually asked for help._ _

____

__"Thank you." I said and she nodded and walked out of the room._ _

____

__I turned around and sat on one of the beds. Two hours, huh? I obviously didn't have any stuff to unpack and despite the furniture, the room looked empty. Well, in any case, it was still better than where I used to live before._ _

____

__I looked through the drawer to find some fresh sheets and a couple uniforms. I would probably fit in better if I changed. I didn’t particularly enjoy sticking out like a sore thumb. I put my old clothes in a neat pile into the drawer and put the rest of the knives I had on me, and the money I stole before they caught me in between them. That could be useful later. I just hoped nobody would go searching through the drawer._ _

____

__In the stupid uniform and now that Petra was gone, I took a better look and concluded that the room was unused for quite some time. Either that or whoever used it didn't care about cleaning. Admittedly, there was no dirt or mud on the ground but the layers of dust started to irritate me pretty quickly. I knew I wouldn't be staying long at all, but I decided I might just clean it if they decide to put someone in here anytime soon after I'm gone._ _

____

__I stood up and walked out of my room hoping to find some cleaning supplies. The corridors were horribly empty, not that I'd mind. I was trying to remember the way so I wouldn't get lost. After I took a suspiciously large number of turns and walked down through the long halls lit only by torches quiet far apart, I finally managed to find a room filled with cleaning supplies._ _

____

__I took a few things I deemed needed to put the room into a good shape and set on a walk back. I was struggling a little to take all of them in my arms, but I managed. I thanked the orientation training I got almost everyday for the past sixteen years of my life in the Underground for being able to find my way back just fine. After I opened the door my room with my foot, I put the supplies down and started cleaning every surface from the floor and the drawer, to the space under my bed._ _

____

__Cleaning was usually able to distract me from whatever was going through my mind, but it didn’t seem enough now. My thoughts were back to screaming at Levi for all he had done. Then I thought of Farlan and Isabel and I trembled. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what exactly went down, but I sure as hell didn’t like my body reacting like this. I set on scrubbing the surface of the drawer harder. And then I realized I was assigned to Levi’s squad, meaning I would have him on my back all the time I’d be here. Another reason to flee sooner rather than later. It also meant he would command me around and I had to follow his orders like a puppy. I wasn’t sure if all the scrubbing wouldn’t ruin the drawer._ _

____

__After some time I was satisfied with the results and decided it was enough for the day. I took all the supplies and went to put them back in case someone else would need them, even though judging from how the room looked, that wasn't too probable._ _

____

__I wandered around the building and found a small kitchenette. I searched through the cabinets and made myself a cup of tea and then went to the dinning hall, though the dinner wasn't ready yet. I sat into a corner seat. The lights were off and even though the room wasn't completely dark, it was shady. I liked it. The tea was slowly cooling off as I was taking small sips from it._ _

____

__I didn't expect anyone to come, but the door suddenly opened and interrupted my thoughts. Two male figures walked in, talking._ _

____

__"I still can't believe it. What is the Commander thinking?!"_ _

____

__"Look. I don't like it either, but he knows what he's doing."_ _

____

__"Taking in that girl?! She's a fucking criminal! We now almost nothing about her!"_ _

____

__They walked straight to the table I was sitting at and sat down a couple spots away from me. I recognized them as two of the bunch that came for me. Judging by their conversation, they haven't noticed me yet._ _

____

__"Exactly. We don't know her. Don't judge her so easily. Nobody says you have to trust her right away, but we should give her a chance."_ _

____

__"You think she deserves one? She could be a heartless killing machine, Eld!"_ _

____

__At this point I've had enough of their conversation. Sure, it was understandable why most of them wouldn't want me here, but heartless killing machine? For real?! I sighed._ _

____

__"You know, when you're talking behind someone's back, the person is not supposed to hear you." I said, staring at my cup. They yelped in surprise and I could see their shocked faces out of the corner of my eye._ _

____

__"What the..." said the one with longer blond hair._ _

____

__"I told you she's up to something!" hissed the other one angrily towards his friend and then turned fully to me. It was the mushroom guy I threw my knife at._ _

____

__"Who the hell invited you to this table?! The fact that you're on our squad doesn't mean that..."_ _

____

__"I was sitting here first." I interrupted him and watched the angry expression on his face as he clenched his hands into fists._ _

____

__"You little..." he started but was interrupted again, this time by the other soldier._ _

____

__"Calm down, Oluo. We don't need any problems and she doesn't either." Eld said with cold voice._ _

____

__Even though the last part wasn't a question, he looked at me like he was waiting for me to agree. I shrugged and focused on my cup again. There was no need to worry about getting on their good side. I'd be out of here in no time._ _

____

__They both seemed to relax a bit. After a few minutes of silence, they started talking about some stuff regarding training, so I zoned out._ _

____

__Soon, more people came and sat at different tables, most of them chatting happily. The dining hall was slowly filling with people and after some time, they started taking their trays with food._ _

____

__I sat at my spot with now an empty cup and thought that I should have probably left earlier. Well, doesn't matter now. It didn't take long and Petra with a brown haired man joined us. The whole table was eating, except for me. I wasn't hungry at all. I thought it might just be a good time to leave, before it gets too crowded._ _

____

__

____

__The door opened again and to my surprise, the whole hall became a little quieter. I looked up and was met with Levi’s gaze. He walked calmly through the dinning hall and came to our table. All four soldiers stood up and saluted._ _

____

__"Good evening, Corporal." I could hear Petra's cheery voice._ _

____

__I hurriedly stood up too and walked past him before he could say a word. As I was leaving the hall, I slammed the door behind me as forcefully as I could. I walked down the hallway and towards my room. In that moment I really fancied some quiet and solitude._ _

____


	6. Traitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> Another update here. Don't forget to leave reviews, thoughts or opinions.  
> I hope you enjoy the story.
> 
> Warning: strong language, violence, the usual

Traitor

_Year 847 ___

__

__Once I reached my room, I slumped down onto one of the beds and took a few deep breaths. I needed to make sense in the mess that was left in my mind and quickly. Sitting up and leaning against the wall, I ran my hands over my face a couple times. It made me angry, but this was the new set up now._ _

__My life changed so many times I was practically used to it. No need to dwell on something in the past that couldn’t be retrieved. Like my life in the Underground. Sure, I wasn’t pleased with the change and I wasn’t about to celebrate any time soon, but this was what I was dealing with now, and I would get it to work somehow. Hopefully by running away. I just needed to wait for an opportunity. The anger would wait till after that._ _

__Yet however hard I tried, some things just wouldn’t fall under that mindset. Whenever that tiny midget crossed my mind, I could feel bile rising in my stomach. Then I thought of Farlan and Isabel and I wanted to scream. Where was the move-on mindset now? I couldn’t find it no matter how hard I tried when it came to these three. It was annoying really. And slightly pathetic too._ _

__A knock on my door halted my thoughts and I was about to send whoever it was away, but the door opened before I could do so. The sight that followed made me even more bitter than the fact that someone just barged in. That someone was the all mighty Mr. Cold-glare himself._ _

__“What do you want?” My voice cold as I stare at him._ _

__“I brought your dinner.” He said as he close the door behind him. Only then I noticed the tray he was holding. He walked towards the bed I was sitting on and put the tray next to me, but I didn’t move to take it._ _

__“Nobody asked you to.” I grit my teeth._ _

__“Tch. Damn it brat, you need to eat.” He had the usual mask of boredness on his face but I could tell his patience was wearing thin._ _

__“Stop the shit-show Levi. I don’t need you taking care of me! I can do that plenty on my own. I’m not a lost-and-found sibling that’s suddenly depending on you again!” I was spitting the words towards him and glaring at him as hard as he was at me. “You decided to walk out of my life and I don’t want you back!” Something flashed in his eyes but it was gone as quickly as it came._ _

__“How about you let me fucking explain what happened.” He growled back at me. He was never good with patience. Apparently that hasn’t changed._ _

__“No, thank you.” I said with a mocking tone before it hardened again. “I’d appreciate much more if you just marched out of the room exactly like you did then.” I paused for a while, but he didn’t seem to be on his way._ _

__“And by the way,” I decided to continue, “you can stop pretending that you care, I’m not buying that sack of lies again.” Never again._ _

__“You know I never lied to you.” He clenched his fists but his voice was softer._ _

__“No, really, I don’t.” I shook my head and stood up from the bed. For a second, I almost felt sorry. Almost. Then the second passed and voice was dead cold. “Don’t forget to take Farlan and Isabel with you- oh wait! You can’t anymore!” I almost screamed at him, too angry to care about being a bitch._ _

__“You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about!” His eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes were sending daggers through me. It probably took a lot in him not to punch me right now. Then again, all of this was his fault._ _

__“Oh really! I’d say enlighten me, but guess what, I don’t give a shit about how, when or why you betrayed them too!” He wasn’t the only one who lost them. He wasn’t the only one allowed to be hurt and mad and screaming. “The only difference I see is that they didn’t seem to make it, you scum!”_ _

__“I haven’t betrayed anyone. Not you, not them, not ever.” His voice sounded almost pleading. Too bad I didn’t have it in me to care._ _

__“Oh, so you haven’t just left them behind to tend to their own?!” My fingernails were digging into my palms and my knuckles were completely white._ _

__He froze, his eyes wide and mouth trembling as if he wanted to say something, but no sound came out. I couldn’t believe that was actually the truth._ _

__“Thought so!” I sneered and took a couple steps away from him._ _

__“You don’t understand…” His voice was quiet and I could catch it trembling._ _

__“I understand all I need!” I screamed and turned around. I dashed towards the door, threw it open and walked through the corridors like mad. People were jumping from my way and staring at me, but I couldn’t care less in that moment._ _

__I pushed through the main entrance. I could hear yelling behind me but I didn't stop. I needed to get away. There was no way I was staying in that building._ _

__I saw a forest nearby and sprinted towards it. The world around me disappeared and I could only see the trees. The anger inside me was enormous and I had to let it out somehow. However, at the same time, there was a different emotion, which, no matter how hard I tried to get rid of, stayed. I wasn't able to pay attention to where I was going, so I tripped. I fell face first onto the ground and tears sprang from my eyes._ _

__I curled up into a ball. My body was shaking in agony. I wanted to scream and shout, but I couldn't. My mouth was open but not a single sound came out. I wanted to stand up and punch something, but I couldn't. I was on the ground, unable to move._ _

__My clothes were muddy and my hair filled with leaves, but I didn't care. Tears were blinding me and rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't see anything. My silent screams slowly turned into choking and I felt like I couldn't breath. Something inside me panicked and I took a sharp breath._ _

__I started coughing and wheezing, but was able to sit up and lean against one of the trees. I was taking in shallow, shaky breaths and frantically wiping the tears away from my face. I closed my eyes and focused on calming down. In a while, my breathing became more consistent. I opened my eyes. Though I was still shaking, no more tears came. I was drained. The anger faded away and I felt tired. The emotion that took over me was sadness._ _

__I thought I didn't care anymore. However, seeing him again was nowhere near what I could ever imagine it to be, at all. It felt like all those years were nothing and I was still stuck and trapped._ _

__I finally looked around me only to realize that I had no idea where I was. The forest was everywhere._ _

__How the heck could I be this irresponsible?!_ _

__So, so, so freaking stupid!_ _

__After everything I've been through, I get lost in a fucking forest!_ _

__Pathetic!_ _

__I tried to stand up but had to cling onto a tree to prevent myself from falling. I could feel sharp pain in my right leg. Great. Plus I could still feel the kicks I received from them in the Underground. Delightful._ _

__I sighed._ _

__Despite the pain I had to get out of the forest, so I tried walking, partially leaning against the trees. I brushed myself off and got most of the mess out of my hair. Once I was able to focus, something caught my attention. I saw a couple of broken sticks laying on the ground. I decided to follow them._ _

__As I went, I could see footsteps here and there. I even found a small piece of fabric. I assumed that I created that mess as I ran, so I followed it and hoped that it would lead me out of the forest._ _

__I had to pause every now and then, my left leg started to hurt from all the pressure I put on it. The world was becoming darker every minute and it was harder for me to follow the path. The sun was setting down. I tried harder to continue, not letting myself to stop that often. I had to get out of there before the night would come, otherwise I was screwed._ _

__After what felt like forever, I could hear yelling coming from somewhere in front of me. Normal person would probably respond. I didn't. It didn't even cross my mind. The reasons are pretty simple, actually. Firstly, I didn't know who it was. Never trust someone you don't know. I learnt my lesson in trusting blindly and easily. Secondly, I was too tired to yell. They wouldn't hear me. Thirdly, I wasn't a fan of the idea of someone seeing me like this. And I for sure didn't need help._ _

__When I finally made it out of the forest, it was dark. There were a few people running around and calling me but no one saw me. I didn't bother responding. I didn't want them to find me. I wasn't going back to that building. I took a few steps back into the forest, just so I could still see the way back but no one could see me. I sat down and leaned against one of the trees, hoping to rest a little bit before planning a way to escape._ _

__I looked at the sky and observed the few stars that I could see through the trees. They were beautiful. It was so long since I last saw them that I almost forgot how amazing they looked._ _

__I made it._ _

__See mom?_ _

__I kept the promise, I made it out of that dump._ _

__I just needed to get away from here and I'll be free. That should be easy enough._ _

__I miss you mom._ _

__I wish we could watch the clouds or the stars again together._ _

__The peace was settling back in and the calls were slowly dying out. I decided to wait for a little more so I'd be sure that everyone was back in and enjoy the calm for the time being. Unfortunately, that didn't last long enough. A torch seemed to appear out of nowhere and the person holding it was suddenly standing right in front of me._ _

__"Here you are! Huh?! What happened...? Nevermind. Come on. We need to get you inside before you catch a cold..."_ _

__The light landed on the person's face for a second. My assumption of that person being a girl was confirmed however, I wasn't able to recognize her._ _

__"I'm so glad that I found you! Everyone thought you ran away! I must admit, I actually thought that for a while as well, but I'm happy you didn't! It would be a shame if you left before I had the chance to talk to you." She was speaking quickly, not leaving any space for me to respond, not that I wanted to._ _

__"Let's go!" She said enthusiastically, turned around and started walking away. I didn't follow her, partially because of my leg and partially because I didn't want to. As soon as she noticed, she turned around and came back._ _

__"What's wrong?" she actually sounded concerned, which surprised me a little. "Oh, of course. I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Section Commander Hanji Zoe." She smiled widely. There was something familiar about her. I knew that name already from somewhere, but I couldn't put my finger on it._ _

__"Nice to meet you, Lisa." She offered me a handshake, but I didn't take it._ _

__"Don't call me that." I said coldly which confused her._ _

__"Why not? Levi said..." She spoke slower, obviously awaiting an answer this time._ _

__"What did he say after I left?" I wanted to find out what lie he came up with._ _

__"Nothing. He looked weird. I guess you're not going to explain anything right now... ?"_ _

__"No." I didn't move at all and my voice stayed cold. Hanji hummed in response._ _

__"Anyway, we need to go inside. Can you walk or do you need help?" Before I could answer, she bent down and offered her hand._ _

__"I don't need any help." Instead of taking her hand, I turned around a little and stood up, leaning against the tree for support._ _

__"Well, if that's the case than we can go." She smirked as she said it, but didn't start walking away. She must have found out based on the way I stood up that there was something with my right leg._ _

__"What's the matter?" Her smirk grew bigger when I didn't move and she put her hands on her hips._ _

__I sighed and my shoulders fell down. "Fine!"_ _

__"Hm? What is it?" She put on a confused face._ _

__I groaned. Was that game necessary?! I looked around and tried to see whether there was another way out. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could hold on and I wouldn't be able to jump on one leg all the way to the HQ._ _

__"I'm not able to walk." My voice was stern and I didn't intend to repeat myself._ _

__"Oh. Is that so? What can I do?" She tried to keep the confused face on, but I could see the corners of her mouth twitching._ _

__"For fuck’s sake!"_ _

__"Hm?" The twitching was getting more and more obvious._ _

__"Damn it! Help me?!" I was really annoyed at this point._ _

__"Gladly." A wide smile spread on her face as she put one of my arms around her neck and let me lean on her._ _

__We started slowly walking away and I didn't say a single word as we walked. I hoped that the dark would hide my bright red face._ _

__We finally reached the headquarters and I wanted to lean on the walls instead, but Hanji didn't let me. So we walked through the almost empty corridors, passing people here and there. Most of them gave us weird looks, but no one said anything._ _

__"Let's take you to the infirmary first." Hanji said and tried to take a turn leading there, but I stopped her._ _

__"No. I'll just go to my room." I was about to somehow walk away without her, but once again, she didn't let me._ _

__"Somebody needs to take a look on your leg." She protested._ _

__"I'll let it rest during the night and I'll stop by tomorrow morning if it will be needed.” Hanji looked at me suspiciously, like she didn't believe I would actually stop by, but then she sighed, nodded and we continued towards my room. Fortunately it wasn't too far._ _

__Once we reached my door, she made sure to remind me to come to the infirmary tomorrow, I nodded and she went away, saying that she's going to inform Commander that I'm alright.  
I went into my room and straight to the small bathroom, locking both doors behind me. As I took off the uniform, I observed the bruise on my stomach and took a look on my leg. They both seemed fine enough, just needed time to rest. _ _

__I took a shower and washed my hair, enjoying the feeling of warm water hitting my back. Once I was finished, I felt better. After further inspection I deemed the uniform I was wearing before undamaged. I brushed off some leftover dirt and decided it would get dirty anyway if I had hand-to-hand combat training. Then I changed into clean clothes that I found in the drawer and went to bed. Sleep was my best bet right now._ _


	7. My Name Is...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,  
> another chapter is here! How are you enjoying the story so far?  
> I'd love to know your thoughts and opinions.
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the chapter.

My Name Is...

 

_Year 827 ___

__

__It was a Sunday morning and the sun was high in the sky. The streets of the small town were quite busy and people were in hurry to get to the gate on time. This was the day when the Scouts were coming back from their expedition._ _

__A young girl was walking hand in hand with her father through the market, her cute dress swirling around her legs._ _

__"Where are we going next daddy?" The girl asked excitedly, jumping next to her dad as they walked through the crowded street._ _

__"We need to buy some apples." The man said as they approached a stand with various fruits displayed. The girl quickly lost interest in the conversation between her father and the seller and looked around curiously._ _

__"Hurry up, they're almost here!"_ _

__"Can I go too, mom?"_ _

__"I've heard the expedition before was a catastrophe. We should go to find out how many of them made it back."_ _

__"Come on Marry! I want to find a good place! "_ _

__The girl was able to catch small pieces of conversations around her. As she was wondering about who people were talking about so much, her father finished shopping and was tugging her a bit in the direction of their house. This brought her attention back to reality._ _

__"Daddy? Who are they talking about?" The girl asked, pointing around with her one free hand._ _

__"The Scouts." The man said without changing the direction of his gaze._ _

__"Who are the Scouts?" The girl's eyebrows were high and she was slowing down._ _

__"No one important, honey. Let's go home." Her father started to be impatient and pulled her with him a little rougher._ _

__"Can we go and see them? Please... I want to see them too." she pleaded._ _

__"No, we can't. Mom is waiting for us at home." he said firmly and continued walking with the same speed._ _

__"Please... Only for a second daddy. Mom won't mind." The girl refused to give up and continued pleading._ _

__"I said no. They're a waste of time and money. I don't want you to support them in any way. We're going home now. End of discussion." The anger in his voice was now clear and the grip of his hand was tight._ _

__"But..."_ _

__"I said end of discussion!"_ _

__The girl's excitement quickly faded away and was replaced by disappointment. Her head hung low and she let her father to drag her home._ _

__They walked quietly until someone approached them. From the looks of it, the girl assumed that it was one of dad's friends. The two of them started talking about something and soon, both of them got excited. The girl wasn't interested in the conversation and wasn't paying attention until she felt her father's hand release her arm._ _

__He got so caught up in the conversation that he didn't even notice when he let go of his daughter. She observed both of them carefully for a second and when she found out that no one was paying any attention to her, she made a few steps backwards. Nothing changed and she swiftly turned around and run away without the father noticing._ _

__She took this as an opportunity to go and see the Scouts. Thinking that it would be only a little while and her father won't notice, she ran in the direction of the gate. The closer she got, the better she could hear people shouting and she hoped that she wasn't too late.  
Soon, a huge crowd of people appeared in her vision and the girl tried pushing past, only to be shown back again and again. She could hear horses and people talking, but she couldn't see anything. A couple more of her attempts to get closer failed and the crowd was slowly getting smaller and smaller as people started walking away._ _

__It didn't took long before the crowd was completely gone and the street was buzzing with people walking in every direction. The girl was very disappointed. She didn't get to see the Scouts at all. She was about to go back to her father but when she looked around, she found out that she didn't know how. People were everywhere and couple of them bumped into her every now and then._ _

__The girl started panicking and moving backwards, apologizing to people who bumped into her. Once her back hit a wall of a house, she slid down and sat on the ground. A couple tears left her eyes and rolled down her face. She hugged her knees and started sobbing. She didn't even notice another person approaching her._ _

__"Hello? Are you okay?"_ _

__The girl raised her head to see another girl standing in front of her. She looked a little older and her brown hair was falling to her shoulders._ _

__The younger one shook her head, scared to say anything and let a few more tears roll down her cheeks._ _

__"It's okay, I'll help you. What is wrong?" The older girl said as she put a hand on the younger girl's shoulder._ _

__"I-I... I'm l-lost..." she managed to respond between hiccups._ _

__"Oh, I see. How about you come with me and we find your parents?" The brown haired girl said and started pulling the crying girl up._ _

__"And by the way..." she said with a cheery voice and smiled widely as she wiped the tears away from the other girl's cheeks. "My name is Hanji."_ _


	8. Keep Your Explanations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> Another chapter update, set in the present.  
> I would love to know your thoughts and opinions, I'm here to learn!  
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the chapter.
> 
> Warning: strong language, violence, the usual

Keep Your Explanations

_Year 847 ___

__

__Early rays of sunshine came into my room through the window and woke me up. I firstly panicked, not knowing where I was. The memories of yesterday started slowly coming back and my mood dropped below the freezing point. I groaned and let my legs fall down from the bed._ _

__My first attempt to stand up wasn't very successful because of a sharp pain appearing in my right leg, efficiently reminding me of the events of last night. I sighed and pulled the leg up so I could observe the damage._ _

__Luckily, nothing appeared to be out of order and with a bit of stretching most of the pain was gone. This lead me to a conclusion that I only slightly pulled a muscle yesterday and if I didn't push it too much, it'd be as good as new in no time. I survived worse._ _

__I tried to make my bed as nicely as possible. Then I stood up and limped to the drawer so I would put as little weight on the leg as possible. Then I changed into the uniform I got. It was tricky and I lost balance a couple times before I managed. The next up was bathroom. I washed my teeth, brushed my long brown hair and put it into a simple braid. My left leg was starting to hurt by now._ _

__I somehow managed to make it out of the bathroom and to the door leading to the hall without too many difficulties. Luckily, the corridor was empty. I kept limping alongside the wall, partially leaning against it and taking small breaks every now and then as I imagined a map in my mind and remembered which direction approximately could the infirmary be. I just had to make sure that Hanji won't bother me with it during the day._ _

__Finding it took me longer than what I expected, but I made it without getting lost. The door looked a bit bigger than the ones in the dormitory section and I could see a small strip of light coming from the space between the door and the floor. I knocked gently and waited._ _

__"Yes? Come in!" A voice which I recognized to be Hanji's called._ _

__I took the handle, turned it and opened the door. The room really did look like a typical infirmary. A couple of beds, some drawers, two tables pushed against a wall and Hanji sitting behind one of them._ _

__"Good morning?" I said but it turned out more like a question. I didn't expect her to be here, though I must admit, it made things easier._ _

__"You really came! That's actually a little surprising..." Hanji turned to face me completely, her eyes were wide and a big smile was spreading on her face. "Honestly, I thought I would have to drag you here after breakfast." She started laughing and for some reason, it made me smile a little too, which surprised me._ _

__"Well, I'm glad you came," she said once she calmed down a bit. "Come in and take a seat, I'll be there in a second."_ _

__That was when I realized that I was still standing in the door so I stepped in, closed them behind me and went to sit on one of the beds, making sure to not limp as much as possible. Hanji turned back to her paperwork and I waited for her to finish._ _

__She was done a lot sooner than I expected so I was a little taken aback when she came to the bed I was sitting on and interrupted my thoughts._ _

__"Hey! Uhm... Are you okay?" I saw her face filled with concern. It actually felt kind of weird that someone was asking me if I'm okay. That didn't happen for quite a long time._ _

__"Yeah. Sure." I nodded but she didn't move. Her stare was becoming a little uncomfortable. "So, eh, my leg...?"_ _

__"Right." It looked like she let go of what she was thinking about before. "Let me see." Hanji said as she shifted her gaze to my leg and I pulled my pants a little higher. She carefully observed it for a while._ _

__"Hm, okay. The good news is that it's not too bad." Hanji said as she stood up and went to one of the drawers. "But you shouldn't push it too much for a while." She closed the drawer and came back with a tube of soothing cream in her hand._ _

__Hanji put some of it on. "This should help you with any pain and get you walking as soon as possible."_ _

__"Thank you, and… uhm..." I sighed. “Sorry for being so harsh yesterday.” I said as I stood up._ _

__"I understand.” She smiled, but it faded a little. “Can I ask you about one more thing…?" Hanji started hesitantly and by the looks on her face I could already tell where this was going. I stayed quiet though, and waited for her to finish. "What happened between you and Levi?"_ _

__I could feel a sting in my chest when hearing his name. "That's a long story..." My voice sounded somewhat harder than before. "... and none of your business. I guess Levi won't talk..." It was weird to say his name out loud again. "... and I believe it should stay between the people that were involved."_ _

__Hanji must have noticed the change on my face and decided to be more careful. "Okay." She stared at me for a second and I was about to talk walk away._ _

__"Wait. I heard you arguing about Farlan and Isabel..." She sounded weird._ _

__"Yeah. So they joined the Corps too, huh? Well, doesn’t make much difference in the end." I turned around and started walking towards the door. I hoped that she would take that as a signal that the conversation about them is over. That didn't happen though._ _

__"I... It wasn’t his fault..." Her voice was filled with sadness. Where did that come from?_ _

__"I don't care." I Interrupted her so I wouldn't hear the rest of that sentence. With that, I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me without a single glance back. Whatever it was that she wanted to say, I didn't want to hear it._ _

__Few people walked past me and I could feel their stares. It wasn't surprising but I was used to being unnoticed, so this was very uncomfortable. I stood in the hall, thinking where to go next. It was probably still a little early for breakfast but the sooner I came, the smaller where the chances of meeting Levi._ _

__I started walking towards the dining hall. It was quiet so the soft sound of my steps was echoing through the hall even though I walked as quietly as possible. I soon became annoyed. For someone who is used to moving silently, these noises sure as hell are a nuisance, at least._ _

__The doors to the dinning hall were open so I just walked in. There were not many people there yet and most of them lowered their voices once they saw me coming. Then my sight landed on the one table a little towards the corner and I paused. The whole Levi squad was sitting together with the Captain Mc. Grouchy himself. They were laughing about something and though Levi wasn’t smiling, the look on his face was content. It was so long since I last saw that. He used to look like that only when he was with us, his family… and now these bratty pieces of titan fodder pretended to be the replacement?!_ _

__I stopped when I realized what had just came to my mind. I sighed and moved on to take my tray with food before the squad properly noticed me. I walked to an empty table on the other side of the hall and started eating._ _

__I was quite hungry since I didn't eat anything for dinner yesterday, therefore even though, we only got an older piece of bread and something that was supposed to resemble a spread, I ate it relatively quickly. Well, it was quickly for me. By the time I only had some tea left, the dining hall was almost full._ _

__As I was contemplating whether or not to just leave, someone sat down to the seat opposite of me. Very loudly and excitedly might I add. I looked up from my cup, caught a little off guard since I haven’t expected anyone to join me. My sight landed on grinning Hanji with her glasses pushed up on her forehead and the straps tangled in her hair. What the hell was up with that woman? My eyebrows rose, but then I just shrugged and focused back on my cup. Beats me. It seemed I would find out soon enough anyway._ _

__“Hey there.” She sent another smile my way and I just hummed before I finally took a sip off the tea. “I thought I would join you for breakfast, you don’t mind, right?” She mused. Before I could put together an answer that wouldn’t reflect my anti-social state of mind, a tray of food landed in front of her and another one soon followed onto the place next to her._ _

__“If you want to join someone for breakfast, you should be eating too you know.” said grumpily a guy as he slumped down to the seat next to Hanji. He shot me a quick hard look before sighing and focusing on his food. Though he was pretty tall, any possibility to seem intimidating at all was destroyed by the awkward split of his hazel hair in the middle of his forehead._ _

__“Huh? Yeah right.” Hanji waved his previous statement away and perked up a little. “Lisa, this is Moblit.” She gestured towards him and I nodded at him before drinking my tea again._ _

__Hanji then finally turns her attention to the food in front of her and starts eating, granting us a few moments of silence, interrupted only by a quiet relieved sigh coming from Moblit. Her personal babysitter then? Well, it seemed someone had to do the job if they wanted to keep her alive._ _

__“So do you know your training schedule yet?” Hanji looked up from the tray to me._ _

__“No one has bothered to tell me so far, though maybe that’s because we’re not exactly on speaking terms with Shorty over there.” I responded and downed the rest of my now cold tea._ _

__“So you knew him before you came?” Moblit asked with his eyebrows raised. I guess rumors travel fast around here._ _

__“Yeah. We didn’t exactly part on the best of terms, or with a pinky promise to see each other again, for that matter. I must be one lucky bastard.” I sighed when I saw their confused expressions. I did this to myself. “It’s a long story. One that I’d prefer to stay in the past if I could help it.”_ _

__Moblit nodded and it seemed he would let it go, but the deeply invested look on Hanji’s face was a sure testimony that we’d visit this topic again. Damn, don’t you have something else to poke with a stick?_ _

__“I know there are some things that shouldn’t be forgiven, or second chances that shouldn’t be granted, but if you knew Levi, you surely know that beneath the layers and layers of grumpiness, sarcasm and shit-jokes, he means well.” Hanji’s voice was soft and the patronising look in her eyes was highly annoying._ _

__“That’s up for a long thought and even longer discussion.” My own voice hardened a little and I narrowed my eyes. I didn’t like anyone looking at me like that and I certainly didn’t need her life lessons and lecture. I had plenty of my own.  
“So what exactly do you do here besides the conveniently vague ‘die for the freedom of humanity’ thing?” I asked, hoping that it would get her started on something else than me. It seemed to have worked as Hanji started a painfully long monologue about training, expeditions, leaving the walls, killing titans and- hold on, experiments?! Geez, these pricks were crazier than I thought. _ _

__It seemed that Moblit zoned out and after a little while, I deemed it safe to do the same. No matter how hard I tried, something about her previous Levi-statement struck home, and I didn’t like it. It’s easier to be pissed at someone who you think is an inherently bad person, than someone that just made a stupid move._ _

__I guess in the end I haven’t managed to completely convince myself of Levi’s selfishness and caring for no other than himself. It seemed easy when he was gone, but seeing him here, with his squad, and Hanji talking about him… perhaps the truth wasn’t that simple. And I didn’t like it. The past was supposed to stay in the past, that was how people kept going._ _

__“A couple years back we even managed to capture a titan alive! Because of that, we were able to find a little more about what they actually are. We’re making progress, step by step.” She threw her hands all over the place and rambled on about some theories I didn’t exactly manage to catch. It seemed interesting, I just wasn’t in the mood to focus and think. Maybe I’d get back to her about it later?_ _

__“Oi, Four-eyes, you can bore her to death later. I need her in my office now.” Her voice was suddenly interrupted by the grumpy little shit._ _

__“Huh? Okay.” She sounded almost disappointed. “I’ll see you then. Don’t murder each other in the meantime.” She grinned and waved as she took away her now empty tray, soon followed by Moblit._ _

__“Let’s go.” Levi turned to me with his cold gaze but I didn’t budge._ _

__“Why?” I deadpanned, my eyebrows raised. I wasn't about to blindly follow someone's orders, no matter who it was. I learnt the hard way not to do so._ _

__“Because we’re going to discuss your training.” He forced through gritted teeth, sanding daggers through me._ _

__“Fine.” I sighed and stood up. I didn’t particularly fancy causing a scene this early in the morning. I took the tray and put it away as we walked through the dining hall towards the door. I followed him out into the hallway and we walked towards his office without a single word._ _

__I took a deep breath as we stepped in. I closed the door behind us as he went to sit by his table. I stayed at the back of the office and looked around the room. It was almost empty, except for a window, a bookshelf and the table with a small drawer. In front of the table were two chairs and behind it was one, now occupied by the owner of this office. As expected, everything was sparkling clean and perfectly spotless. I guess people don't really change._ _

__My gaze stopped at the short captain with raven black hair in an undercut. He was observing me and I tried to find an emotion in his eyes, because his face looked bored as always, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't say what it was I saw in them._ _

__"Hanji said you were in the infirmary this morning. What happened?" Levi's voice was straight and cold, but I could hear a hint of concern in there, which annoyed me._ _

__"Since when do you care?" I said coldly back._ _

__"I do. Stop with the shit again." Lie. "What happened?" Neither I nor he made a move._ _

__"Nothing." I don't know why couldn't I just say that I fell down. It would be easier and this whole conversation would end a lot sooner._ _

__"What happened Lisa?!" I flinched when I heard that name. He was becoming angrier. The hands he used to support his face with fell to the table and he pierced his gaze through me._ _

__"Don't call me that!" I spurted out without thinking._ _

__"Damn it! Just tell me what happened!" He shot up, pushing the chair backwards with a screeching sound. It shook a little and then fell down with a loud thud. Neither of us paid attention to it. We were standing still as Levi gave me one of his famous death glares. At that moment I was really glad that they didn't work on me._ _

__"I pulled a muscle. Nothing serious." I said after I finally decided not to be so childish. Something on his face softened and he sighed, run his hands through his hair and walked to the front of the table._ _

__"How?" he said as he leaned against the table and crossed his arms in front of him, looking at me._ _

__"I fell." The atmosphere in the room was tense. It felt as stable as a house of cards. One wrong move and the whole thing goes down._ _

__"Where?" Levi was observing me carefully. This was more of an interrogation than a talk._ _

__"In the forest." Why does he have to do this?_ _

__"What were you doing there?" he continued without waiting, knowing I was not going to say any more than needed._ _

__"Unlike you, I didn't spend past three years enjoying a life on the ground." He winced. "I wanted to go out for a while." My voice was cold and sharp. In that moment, I would rather be anywhere else. Even back in that dump._ _

__"I have hard time believing you would go out just for the feeling of it." He frowned a little as a look of disbelief settled on his face._ _

__"Believe whatever you want. But you know I would." I growled. I told them how much I wanted to get out of the Underground. It was basically my only motivation to try so hard. He knew too well what it meant for me._ _

__"I see." It was all he said and I continued to stare at the floor. If I was a few years younger, there would probably be tears running down my cheeks, but they weren't there._ _

__Except for yesterday, I haven't cried in ages. One of the reasons could be that there were no more tears left. The other would be that I always pushed it aside and taught myself not to feel it._ _

__“You will start your training as soon as possible. The plans are being prepared accordingly so you should start tomorrow morning. There’s only so much time before the next expedition, which you’ll be expected to join.” A flash in his eyes made me think he wasn’t a fan of the idea._ _

__“Your hand-to-hand combat and use of ODM gear is expected to be above average, therefore we’ll focus on actually killing a titan, and horse riding.” He didn’t move a muscle as he spoke, his face seemingly as bored as ever. I would need to get used to the lack of expressions all over again._ _

__"Is that all?" I said, my voice completely drained of emotions._ _

__"There's one more thing." The sound of his voice made me look up. The pained expression on his face surprised me. He hid it quickly, but I saw it._ _

__"If it's about Farlan and Isabel then I don't want to..."_ _

__"Lisa." He interrupted me and I winced when hearing that name. "You should know and I want to be the one to tell you."_ _

__I sighed. There was no escaping now, was there?_ _

__"Farlan and Isabel were taken by Erwin with me, just like you yesterday." His voice was stern but there was a hint of something more behind it. "Our first expedition outside the walls wasn't... didn't go as planned."_ _

__I wanted to say something, but one look at him stopped me from doing so._ _

__"I failed them. They never made it back."_ _

__His words were like a blow into my stomach. I had assumed this before, but hearing it out loud made it seem all the more real. My face remained expressionless but it felt like my mind was screaming. They're gone. Forever._ _

__My body was shaking as I stared in front of me, my face dry. I saw Levi hesitantly walk closer to me._ _

__"Don't." He stopped in his tracks and sighed, leaving some space between us._ _

__"Tell me one thing." I said when I managed to somehow compose myself. I stared at him for a bit, but he didn’t say anything. "Why did you leave?"_ _

__"I didn't want to. No one wanted to. We didn't have a choice."_ _

__"I don't believe that." I took a shaky breath before I could continue. "I don't believe you couldn't make it back." I turned my head. One look at him and I knew I was right. "You just didn't want to." Something flashed through his face and I knew this was the truth._ _

__"It wasn't that I wouldn't want to, I just..." He said through gritted teeth._ _

__"Thought it was pointless." I finished the sentence for him. The look in his eyes told me how right I was._ _

__I walked to the door as quickly as I could._ _

__"Let me explain." Levi said, standing behind me._ _

__"I don't need your explanation." I opened the door and speed-walked out and through the corridors, thankful that people were either still eating or training already, so I didn't bump into anyone I knew._ _

__I made into my room in a record time, slammed the door shut and locked them behind me. Then I slumped down on the floor._ _


	9. Tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Sorry that the update took so long, I was a bit busy for the past weeks.  
> No worries, I have more chapters that are almost ready to be posted and I'll be posting another one shortly to make up for the longer wait. 
> 
> Leave comments, reviews, thoughts, opinions!  
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

**Tired**

_Year 828_

_On the afternoon of one of the calm days, when clouds were strolling through the sky and gentle breeze was caressing the ground on which a small town within the wall Rose stood, two girls were playing together._

_They took a break and sat down next to each other._

_"Hanji? Do you like birthday parties?" said the one with long blond hair, wearing a white dress decorated with small flowers._

_"Hm? Yeah, I do. They're fun." Hanji leaned backwards and looked at the blue sky above them._

_"What do you do on a birthday party?" asked the girl and observed her friend curiously._

_"You invite a lot of friends and then you all have fun together, play games and eat a birthday cake."_

_"Wow. That sounds like a lot of fun." The girl tucked her blond hair behind her ear and lay on the ground._

_"You haven't had one?" Hanji sat up with a shocked expression on her face and stared at her friend. She was able to hear the hint of sadness in her friend's voice._

_"No, I haven't."_

_"Really?! Hm..." Hanji tapped her chin with her index finger a couple times. "When is your next birthday?"_

_"Next week. I'll be seven!" said the blond haired girl proudly._

_"So we can organize one for you!" she said with excitement in her eyes but it faded away quickly when she saw her friend shaking her head._

_"No, daddy will get mad."_

_"Oh? And what about your mom?" Hanji asked carefully._

_"Daddy said I shouldn't bother her. She's tired."_


	10. Forgive Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!  
> As promised here's another chapter.  
> What do you think about the story so far? I will be doing some edits in the near future so I would appreciate any feedback that I can get.
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the chapter.

**Forgive Me?**

_Year 847_

 

After all those years, I still couldn't bring myself to cry. No tears came and I sat leaning against the door and staring into the room for who knows how long. Nobody came knocking on my door. I don’t know if I expected people or some grant revelations of how to deal with this, but it didn’t matter. Neither bothered to show up.

Based on the commotion in the corridors, I assumed that it was lunch time. I wasn't hungry. The voices and steps slowly died out, then picked up and then died out again. Afternoon training. I didn't move and nobody came looking for me. Why would they?

I thought of my options and decided there wasn't anything for me here. If I were to run away, this night was as good as any. No need for me to stay.

I had to plan beforehand though. I wouldn't be able to do it if anyone saw me and I wouldn't be able to attempt another run for about two more weeks after that for safety reasons. No need to let them know I don’t plan on staying. I cursed the narrow halls. Because of the light I wouldn't be able to pass around someone if I met them in the hall. I had to make sure everyone was sleeping already.

It would also be smart to go to dinner and eat at least something. There was no telling when would I be getting another food. Damn it. Yet, if I didn't want to raise any suspicion, I couldn't look like I just saw a fucking ghost, although I might just have.

I peeled myself off of the floor and limped slowly to my bathroom. All that speed-walking didn't do any good. Well, this was unfortunate, but there was nothing to change about it at this point. After a long shower I washed my face, put my uniform on and braided my hair so it would stay out of the way. I looked into the mirror, stared at my bright green eyes, tired face and then the uniform. I concluded that this was no place for me. I looked ridiculous.

After all the time that the world screwed me over, I wasn't ready to give up my life and let it go to waste. I wasn't ready to become just a piece of titan food. After all the time that humanity kept screwing me over, I wasn't going to sacrifice myself to save it. Humanity could go fuck itself for all I cared. I didn't owe it a single bit.

I could run away, go to some small town, save up money and then go to live to a nearby forest by myself. I could have my own garden, and little nice house with a fireplace. I could sit by a window every evening and read for fun. It almost seemed impossible.

Levi, Farlan and Isabel made their choice and got what they chose. I can't choose the same path. They don't owe me anything and I don't owe anything to them. It's a hard pill to swallow, but no one owes me to keep me in their life.

I slowly walked out of the bathroom, took a deep breath and put on a stern face. I went out of the room and walked down the hall slowly, leaning against a wall slightly, for support. I kept looking forward and ignoring the stares I got from everyone I passed.

I finally arrived to the dinning hall. Luckily it was full and people were too immersed in their own conversations to notice me. I took a tray with food and walked to an empty table in a corner. I needed to figure out how could I get out of here. The nearest town was most likely hours if not a day away on horseback. I had almost no chance of making it on foot and without any equipment. I'd either get lost, starve, not survive the night or all three of them. Plus they'd probably find me before I got anywhere.

I was forcing myself to eat as much as possible. The food wasn't that bad though it wasn't anything special, but it was more than I'd usually have. A day with two meals was a good day.

Thankfully, no one decided to join me this time. I was even less willing to communicate than usual. Now, I could try to steal a horse and leave with one, however that would be way too loud and most likely wake someone up. Another problem was that there weren't many horses in the Underground so I didn't really know how to ride one.

Maybe I could use my ODM-gear? It'd be risky. There's no telling whether the gas would last or if I wouldn't get lost in the forest. Also, appearing in a town in the Scouts' uniform would cause too much commotion, but appearing without one and with an ODM-gear would cause even more suspicion.

I was trying to figure something out during the whole meal, yet by the time I was leaving I still haven't come up with anything useful. It started to seem that escaping this night would be a suicide. I trotted my way towards my room deeply in thought. My right leg was killing me and I had virtually nothing. This place was buzzing with activity and people seemed to be everywhere. Stealing any supplies wouldn't be easy at all. Just how much was I willing to risk for this?

I reached my room and went in. It surprised me a bit that I haven't met the squad, Levi or Hanji in the evening but I didn't want to talk to either of them. If they were busy, it'd be easier for me to disappear. Even now I wasn't ready to give up on the idea of leaving right in that moment and finally starting a new life, a peaceful life for which I wouldn't have to steal, run, fight or kill.

It was a couple hours wait, but it finally turned dark behind the windows and the everything seemed quiet. I decided to wait a little longer just to be sure. If I was sneaking out, I had to be sure.

My impatience finally got the better of me and I slowly opened my door and walked into the hall, trying to be as quiet as possible. I pulled up the hood on my uniform so no one could see my face. I could always get rid of the uniform later. I walked through the building and managed to not meet anyone, but I felt as if someone was on my back. Yet I couldn't see anyone in the dark.

I found the back exit of the building and walked out as quietly as humanly possible. I closed the door behind me and made a few steps into the field which turned out to be the one used for training. I stared forward into the forest and that was when it hit me. The feeling of being trapped somewhere. The feeling I realized was gone when I left the Underground but was slowly creeping back into me. Now I felt it once again with full force. It was almost suffocating.

I felt to my knees and stared. This was it. There was no reasonable way for me to leave and hope to make it till the morning. I was running from one cage to another and I couldn't tell which was better anymore. It all seemed the same now.

I stared at the night sky. I spent sixteen years pushing myself forward on one promise. That I would see the sky again. And what for? To be stuck here, waiting till a steaming lump of meat eats me alive?

Then I noticed that the door behind opened and and a short figure rushed out. Levi. So he was the one following me around. Go figures. Damn that tiny insomniac! He stopped abruptly when he saw me. He probably thought I'd be running off and disappearing in the forest by now.

"What are you doing here?" His voice was stern and he stayed still.

"I couldn't sleep so I went to get some fresh air." I looked at the sky again and made no movement towards standing up whatsoever.

"And I'm supposed to believe that?" He questioned and I knew he didn't for one second.

"I told you, believe whatever you want. It makes no difference to me." My voice was becoming hard again as I was forcing the words out of me.

"Well if I believed you were trying to run away, I might assign someone to follow you around to make sure you don't try anything."

"Fuck Levi! Just how stupid do you think I am? Running away now like this would be impossible and you know it. Do you think I survived all those years being stupid?! Stop underestimating me." The words somehow got out through my gritted teeth and I noticed that I clenched my wrists. I started screaming the words at Levi but soon it felt like I was screaming them at me.

I somehow mustered enough strength to stand up and turn around. Neither of us moved for a few seconds.

"Why does it matter to you if I stay or not anyway? I'm a terrible soldier. Replacing me wouldn't be difficult at all. And almost everyone in that building would gladly accept an incompetent newbie instead of a criminal, you know?"

For a moment, I saw a pained look on his face. Then it disappeared.

"I wouldn't." He seemed like he wanted to say so much more.

Neither of us moved and I almost decided to just go back and try to sleep, but then I hesitated. The question has been haunting me for years. I told myself I didn’t care about the answer, but the truth was I couldn’t stop guessing. So I finally gave in.

"Just what the fuck happened?" I thought, maybe if I knew, I could just finally accept it and move on. I could just forget.

He hesitated for a second, but I was sure he knew what I meant.

"We went out, our supplies were almost completely gone. Food, gas... and we were hoping to get some medicine too." He stared at me, but then his head dropped.

"There was a job from one of the nobles that we were supposed to do up here. In return we’d get citizenship. We haven’t accepted it, but the Scouts came anyway. If we’d manage, it would be a chance for you too.” He sighed.

“Erwin and the Scouts were on our backs trying to catch us. They managed. There was an opening, but Farlan and Isabel wouldn't make it. I had to choose. I couldn't tell Erwin about you. He wouldn’t take you too if you couldn’t help him. You'd end up with the military police instead." His voice was soft.

"It was either drag you into a cell, or stay quiet and leave, or leave Farlan and Isabel in the military alone. I couldn't just leave them alone and it looked like you wouldn't..."

"I wouldn't make it."

He tensed up but didn't move.

"I had to choose." He lifted his head and I could see the pleading look in his eyes.

“And so you chose the way you did." I sighed.

I slowly walked towards the door. As I was passing him, I felt Levi hold my wrist and so I stopped in my tracks.

“You were sick for so long, we couldn’t bring the fever down at all. As time passed you were waking up less and even then you weren’t completely conscious. I wouldn’t be able to help you anyway. If you were to make it, leaving you there was the safest bet. Please understand.” His tone changed from soft to almost pleading.

"I'll try to understand your choice, but you need to try to understand me and what your choice meant for me." I paused for a second, considering whether to say all of it or not, but then I decided that he needed to hear it. I needed him to understand.

“I hated you for leaving and taking Farlan and Isabel away. Maybe I was feeding myself lies the whole time. But you have to understand I couldn’t afford to keep lingering on why you left or if you were coming back. Because I had no reason to believe you were ever coming back. The only way I could make it was to leave the past where it belonged and move on. So I did just that.” My voice trembled a little and I hoped he didn’t catch that.

He let go of my wrist and I walked towards the building and through the quiet corridors. I reached my room and laid on my bed, thoughts swirling in my head.

So the truth ended up a little different from what I thought it was. He didn’t leave just because of a whim. It even seems the years meant something to him too. Yet, he gave up on me. He couldn’t find it in him to believe in me and that I’d make it. 

He gave up on me.

It still hurt.

After my thoughts exhausted me completely, I gave in and fell asleep. Except instead of the rest I needed, I got a night of constant turning around and waking up.


	11. Mom?

_Year 829_

_Dark clouds were covering the sky and strong wind was running through the forest where a young girl with messy blond hair was picking up dry wood sticks. The clothes she was wearing looked too small for her and had torn edges at some places._

_Though her hands were already full, she tried to pick a couple more sticks so they would have enough of them. She almost couldn't carry all of them but she knew she had to._

_The girl walked through the forest towards a small town, going against the wind and trying to protect her eyes. She was in hurry. It already took her too long to find enough wood and if she'd stay any longer, she would come home too late and her father would be angry._

_Her once bright and shiny green eyes were now dull. She almost tripped over her own feet a couple times, as she walked through the small town, staring at the ground and trying to avoid eye contact with other people. Even though she was only seven years old and couldn't understand most of the things people were saying, she knew all too well that they weren't nice._

_She was scared. Even her best friend wouldn't talk to her anymore because her parents forbid her from doing so. Neither of the two girls couldn't understand why, but after they were caught together a few times, they stopped talking._

_The girl finally reached her home and opened the door. She went to set the wood aside._

_"Mom, I'm home!" she called and waited for an answer._

_"Mom? It's me!" she called again._

_"Mom? Mom!"_

_The girl called again and again, hoping for an answer._

_It never came._


	12. Child's Play

Child’s Play

_Year 847_

 

I woke up with a scream, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. My body was shaking and I could feel tears running down my face. I took a few deep breaths and lay back down on my bed.

I stared at the white ceiling and let my eyes follow the cracks as my ragged breaths became even, my heartbeat settled and the tears on my face dried. I waited a little longer for the thoughts in my head to slow down and once my hands stopped shaking, I turned my head towards the window. Based on the light it was very early, but already morning. There was no way I was going back to sleep now. I wouldn’t be tired enough to fall asleep and with the nightmares fresh on my mind, I wouldn’t be able to rest anyway.

A few more tears escaped before I furiously wiped them away and decided not to stay in bed and pity myself anymore. This was leading nowhere. I pulled the covers away and stood up. Still wearing the uniform from yesterday, I considered changing, but then I decided that I'd just change after I was finished. I was about to get sweaty once again anyway.

I slipped out of my room and made my way down the hall. I still remembered the way from yesterday evening. Finding the door to the training fields was easy now. I was standing outside in the morning sun in no time.

After a short inspection of the equipment for training, I found a rubber dummy. A sparring partner would be better but this would have to do. I made sure it wasn't broken and there were no parts on which I could accidentally hurt myself. I took a few steps back and got into a stance.

I made a few testing hits and kicks to see how the dummy would react and when I got used to it, I went all out. I was used to being quiet and that didn't change even in a middle of a fight so the only noise carrying over the fields was the sound of skin hitting the rubber.

I practiced one pattern of hits and kicks over and over again till it became boring. Then I switched to a different one and practiced it over and over again. And so on. There's no need to fear someone who practiced ten thousand kicks. I'd be much more afraid of someone who practiced one kick ten thousand times. An advice Farlan gave me a really long time ago and I did my best to stick to it. It probably saved my life a couple times.

I could feel a sting in my chest as I remembered when he taught me that and forced just a little more strength into the attacks. Sweat was dripping from me in horrible amounts as the sun and the temperature were raising, but I didn't care a single bit. I was taking all my frustration and anger out on that piece of rubber.

To get eaten by a stupid hoard of flesh that's incapable of basic thinking, or an action more complex than running in a circle... pathetic. And on their very first fucking mission outside of this prison. What the hell were they thinking! They had every skill needed! How were they not able to survive?!

Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't properly see anymore so I took a break to furiously wipe them away. That was when I noticed my knuckles were scraped and bloody, and my legs and knees throbbed. It was probably a good time to take a quick break and catch my breath. Then I noticed a bunch of people standing by the door and staring at me.

Of course. Levi and his damn squad.

"Throwing yourself a pity party?" Levi shouted when he noticed I stopped throwing my rage at that dummy. Asshole.

I was in no mood to talk to him whatsoever, so I just turned around to face the dummy once again and started thinking of a pattern I haven’t done today.

"Will the dummy do the job?" He shouted again before I could attack. The smirk in his voice was almost audible.

"Is that a challenge?" I shouted over my shoulder, annoyed by being interrupted. Then I noticed a movement.

Levi took off and walked towards me. I made a few steps away from that dummy so it wouldn't be in our way.

"Just like the good old times?" Levi asked as he got into a stance and I did the same without an answer. The good old times were gone and he was about to find out.

I cleared my mind. This was no time for anger, or any other emotion for that matter. I needed to distance myself and focus. I carefully observed all of his movements with nothing else clouding my mind.

I guess people never really change. I never started a fight, and he knew it. And he always started with the same exact move. One that I knew better than any of my own. He threw the punch, following right up with another and I dodged perfectly. Like our last training was yesterday. Like nothing happened.

I watched a little longer, as always seeing my opponent do at least a few moves. His second was a punch aimed at my ribs, third was an upper hook and fourth was one aimed at my face. These were more or less predictable and I could see him getting impatient as I kept dodging them. 

Like he used to. Like before. So I shifted from defense to offense.   
Levi used to fight on a short distance, getting as close to the opponent as he could. Just like now. I on the other hand prefer to keep my distance and he was getting too close for my liking.

As he swung another high fist he forgot to duck. I checked his fist with my forearm and shifted my weight at the same time. 

The moment his fist started retreating I kicked my leg up into his chest. His balance was off and he had to step back.

I just landed the first hit in the fight. His forehead creased and he glared at me. He crouched a little more and angeled his body slightly away from me.

Then he charged forward.

He landed a punch into my ribs. But the more important one was the one that followed.

He threw a punch at my head. I ducked and passed just underneath his arm when I threw a punch to his lower chest. He curled and I jumped to his side, grabbing his shoulders and bringing my knee to his stomach a couple times.

A punch above my hip pushed me away and I was back in my stence with my hands guarding my face. 

He threw punches mostly to my lower chest, but I managed to check most of them. However he left his side wide open.

As I saw another punch, I side-stepped and threw a high kick to his shoulder. A powerful one at that.

And so we continued, his punches coming fast and in bunches after each other. Yes, they hurt, but he wasn’t able to land most of them.

I ducked, punchec his abdomen and aimed a low kick on his thigh.

Then he got close to me and sent short and sharp punches, but for a second his face remained unprotected. 

I swung my elbow and hit his jaw.

He stumbled back a little. After that he raged out completely. He started using kicks and the punches were coming towards my face faster than before.

Yet I was able to check them, hit back harder and use front kicks to keep him off of me.

Next time he tried to use a klick I managed to catch his leg, side-step and sweep his other leg from below him, which sent him toppling onto the ground. 

He jumped back almost immediately. But he have been on the ground.

He did a few steps in place, faked a low kick and aimed higher instead, but it was too visible. I blocked the kick with little effort and followed up with a few hard punches of my own.

I landed on to the bottom of his chest. Next one I aimed at his head, he ducked underneath my arm, but he hasn’t expected the back elbow that came after it as I retreated my arm back. 

It landed on the side of his head and he bent forward. I caught his back and my knee made contact with his stomach once again.

A few painful punches to my middle back were sent in response. Admittedly there would be bruises in no time.

As I pushed him away again I noticed his chest heaving rapidly and thick streams of sweat running down his face.

Levi was able to keep up till now, but he was running out of stamina and he wouldn’t be able to do this much longer. 

Because things weren't as before. Things changed.

I was able to predict majority of his moves and use the openings he hasn't noticed. He shifted his weight too noticeably before each attack and his fakes were too predictable. His defense sucked.

He swung a few sloppy kicks, managed to land one and got close to throw punches again. 

His fist swung at my temple. Another one from below my chin and my cheek right after that. He caught me in a clinch and went to punch my jaw.

However, his punches to face didn’t hurt near as much as another back elbow into the center of his face. 

He threw a side kick as I brought my knee to his stomach and I followed with a downwards elbow to his face. 

I saw a trail of blood trickle from his nose and he showed me away.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and took a few breaths, my chest hurting, while he wiped the blood from underneath his nose.

The next few punches and kicks resulted in me throwing him down on the ground and locking my arm underneath his chin while I used my legs to keep his in place. I pulled backwards and put pressure on his core.

For a while he struggled and writhed on the ground with me holding tightly around him, but he wasn’t able to get out of the lock at all.

I managed to pin him down.

Levi kept struggling and I could imagine the death glare on his face in the moment. Then he loosened up, stopped struggling and patted the ground three times, meaning he had given up.

I waited a second, processing the fact the the had gave up already, but then I let go of my grip on him.

"Tch." I got up and shoved him away from me. 

"What the hell was that!" I glared at him and I furiously motioned around us.

He didn't answer as he stood up and brushed himself off.

"Did you do anything at all the past three years?! Did you even try?! Is this child's play all you can do?!" I was most likely screaming loud enough for the whole field to hear but I didn't care a single bit.

"Who the hell taught you that?" His voice was stern but I could see anger rising behind his eyes.

"I did. I didn't have a choice. But this?!" I waved around with my hands. "You'd call this pathetic in the 'good old days'! And Farlan would too, you know it!"

I could see that my last comment pissed him off but I didn't care. I pushed past him and walked towards the door, completely ignored the bunch of useless stuck-ups that called themselves 'Special Operations Squad' and went inside. 

I walked to my room, threw the dirty and sweaty uniform to one of the empty drawers and shut the bathroom door behind me. I turned on the cold shower and scrubbed the dirt and sweat off of myself as hard as I could.

The emotions from the fight were starting to dawn on me. Levi’s style hasn’t changed, his moves haven’t changed, he was fighting exactly like before he left. He didn’t develop at all. Except he got worse.

His instincts weren’t as sharp as they used to and he was not as observant. He went out of practise.   
I put on a clean uniform and tried to rest on my bed, but I was too jittery to sit in one spot. 

Instead I decided to do what I usually do after I got back home after a fight. I made myself a cup of tea.

So I opened the door from my room, walked into the poorly lit hall and stalked towards the dining hall.

This was the first time I ever won a fight against Levi.

I should be happy. If this was to happen a couple years ago, I'd be skipping around and talking about it for another week, if not longer. But it happened now, and Levi fought worse than I've ever seen him before. This place changed his ways and I hated it. If he would return now, surviving would be a huge problem.

The dining room was empty and I fetched myself a cup of tea on my way to a corner table. I held the cup in my bruised hands and observed the steam. People don't really change. Things and circumstances do. Levi hasn't changed but the things he cares for had. 

He was the same Levi, but he wasn’t an underground thug anymore. He wasn’t a fighter and survivor in the ways he used to be. That was a truth I refused to accept. He was a soldier.

A soldier that followed orders and trained with his squad. A soldier that did paperworks, huge strategic planning and all of that to save humanity. A soldier with a soldier like life.

He had a different life now. One to which I didn't belong and never would.

My best shot at disappearing would most likely come during my first mission. We'd have to use horses and there will be supplies from which I'd be able to take some during the night. 

The day we come near to a city, I'll be gone.

I must have been lost in my thoughts for quite some time before the sound of door opening pulled me out of them. Hanji came in, scanned the room and walked towards me with a huge smile as soon as she saw me.

"Hey there! I was looking for you. I heard that you kicked Levi's ass! Nobody here was ever able to do that! Impressive!" Hanji said cheerfully as she sat down.

"No shit!" I spat and sighed afterwards. "I guess hand to hand combat isn't that necessary here." I dipped my head, my eyes closed for a second and then I finally took a sip of my tea, only to discover that it was almost cold.

"Yeah..." She scratched the back of her neck. "It's useful, but it's not the thing that would save your life here." She chuckled slightly.

"Go figures." I sighed. "So, Levi is a soldier now, huh?" I stared into the cup as the truth was dawning on me. I hated it. I hated every word of that sentence. I hated how it sounded together and I hated how it made me feel. Yet, I couldn’t keep lying to myself.

"Yes! Humanity's strongest! Haven't you heard about it?" Hanji almost jumped in her seat with excitement.

"Not much. I mean, nobody in the Underground has high regards for the military. Most of them have other things to worry about." My voice came out somewhat softer this time. I stared into the cup as I swirled the tea inside. When I looked up I was met with Hanji’s piercing gaze. Her hands were underneath her chin and she seemed to perk up a little as she started to talk.

"Oh, well, he's amazing in fighting titans! You need to see him when he takes out a bunch in a row without any other help! And then he lands with this blank face, but I swear there's pride somewhere in there, stares at them and then with his emotionless voice he goes 'Tch. Disgusting.' and wipes his blades before he goes off to find another titan!" Hanji was laughing and her hands were flying all over the place as she described how amazing Levi is at titan slaying.

I brought the cup to my lips and took a sip, partially to cover up the small smile that spread over my face because of Hanji's impersonation of him. After all, that sounded exactly like Levi.

"And his office? I swear that place is even cleaner than the infirmary! How he manages that I have no idea. But his cleaning punishments are legendary! Leave one speck on the floor and you've got to do it all over again!" Hanji obliviously continued and this time I really couldn't help but smile.

People don't change at all.

"You know, he's also very caring, not that he'd ever admit it. Most people think he's heartless and cold and all that, but it's obvious that he cares a lot for his squad. The beginning seemed quite difficult for him, of course with the first mission and all. But they're like a big family now!"

Hanji seemed proud. I on the other hand felt a sharp pang of hurt.

We used to be his family.

I forced myself to stay calm and decided to take a sip of my, now cold, tea.

"And I swear he even took in a stray cat once..." Hanji started but was interrupted by my coughing and wheezing.

"Huh? What? Did I say something?" If I wasn't suffocating on tea, I would have pointed out how priceless her confused face looked.

"No, nothing. All is fine." I managed to get out once I stop coughing violently.

We used to have a cat. Because of me. I was a sucker for cats. It took me days of constant pleading to make him agree to keep that cat.

Hanji was about to say something again but was interrupted by the sound of doors and steps. I lifted my head up from the cup and saw Levi making his way towards our table. My heart dropped.

"Hey there! We were just talking about you!" Hanji waved enthusiastically and Levi nodded his head towards her but otherwise paid no attention to what she was saying.

He reached our table and sat next to her, staring at me the whole time. I on the other hand just kept staring into my empty cup. Silence filled the room. Levi was the first to break it.

"Why the fuck would you need to be able to fight like that?" His face held a cold look and his voice had an angry hint in it.

"Because I didn't have anyone saving my ass anymore." I said without looking up.

"Even then! You wouldn't need to fight like that to just survive!" Levi was definitely angry. He sharply gestured in the vague direction of the training field with one arm while his second one was firmly pressed against the table. "What the fuck was going on!"

"You know I can leave if..." Hanji said hesitantly and started getting up.

"Nah, it's fine." I waved my hand for her to sit back down. I sighed.

"Well firstly, about a week after you left, the word spread around and somebody completely raid the house. I was lucky I wasn't there but I couldn't stay there anymore. It took a while to find a new one."

"About two months later, all hell broke loose. Nobody knew why, but the gangs that were laying low suddenly went all out on each other. Unless you did dirty jobs for either of the gangs or hoped to pay yourself out with taxes, the moment you were seen on the street you were a dead man walking. Might as well went and done it yourself to save yourself some pain. Up to five dead bodies appeared every day. The military police stopped coming down there really quickly and supplies were running low."

"After a while, a new gang appeared seemingly out of nowhere and wiped the rest to brink of extinction, if not completely. How they managed didn't matter because though it seemed like peace was restored and it was more or less safe again, they had their hands on just about everything. From basic items, through food and fresh water, you name it. The prices were steadily increasing and it was more and more difficult to get around without paying."

"One meal a day became the usual. Two and you were lucky. Three only if you'd be the king. Even if you had no intention other than just barely getting by, slacking wouldn't cut it. I did what I had to." I stopped playing with my cup and noticed the hard look Levi was giving me. Hanji on the other hand looked shocked.

"What does that mean?" Levi practically growled but I only shook my head. The room felt silent.

"Oh wait," Hanji suddenly perked up. "I forgot to tell you. I was searching for you because Erwin wanted you in his office. Sorry..." She smiled apologetically.

"Okay." I sighed and stood up. At least she saved me from answering that question for now.

"Join the afternoon training!" Levi called after me as I was leaving.

I huffed as the door fell shut behind me.


	13. Have Mercy With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!  
> Another chapter is out! Let me know what you think in the comments below.  
> I hope you enjoy the reading!
> 
> See you with a next update! :D

Chapter 13: Have Mercy With Me

 

_Year 847_

 

I was making my way down the halls towards Erwin's office, thinking about what could he possibly want. I didn't get into any trouble as far as I knew, otherwise Levi would already have made sure I knew. Except maybe for handing him his ass, but hopefully that counted as a sparring training. 

Nothing reasonable crossed my mind by the time I made it to the door and so I just shrugged and knocked. I'd find out soon enough.

"Come in!" Sounded from the office and so I opened the door and went inside, closing it behind me.

The office was small and resembled Levi's a lot, with the table, bookshelf, window and chairs. Except this one wasn't nearly as clean as Levi's, not to mention the stacks of paper that seemed to be everywhere.

"Take a seat." Erwin said from his chair behind the table and I hesitantly walked towards the chairs in front of it and sat down into one of them.

"So, how are you settling in?" Erwin asked as he bore his eyes into me.

"Huh?" That was one thing I definitely haven't expected.

"I heard that the time here wasn't that easy for you so far," he continued without my answer. "So I just wanted to ask you how are you managing."

What the hell was his deal?! I had no idea what it was, but he was onto something.

"Um, yeah, sure. Can I remind you that you basically kidnapped me and blackmailed me right afterwards? That’s literally the only reason why I’m here, I hope you can understand that I’m not a fan of ‘settling in’ here.” I scowled. Damn that guy!

Erwin sighed before speaking up again. “I realize it might be difficult, but since you’re a part of the Special Operations Squad, I need you to be able to actually work with the squad under Levi’s command.” He sent a cold glare through me. 

“No other squad was qualified enough to take you in and after this morning I don’t think anyone would take on that role.” Qualified enough my ass, more like had hope to be able to control me. Not happening. Though apparently rumors travel fast around here. Good to know. Erwin was sending daggers through me as a deep frown settled on his forehead. 

“So you kidnapped me to realize that you can’t actually use me. How surprising.” Sarcasm was dripping from my tongue.

“I still believe you would be invaluable for the regiment. I just need you to cooperate.” He leaned back a little and the frown lessened for a while. “Remember, I can still decide to hand you over to the Military Police.”

“You’re a bastard, do you realize that? I just want to be sure we’re on the same page.” I said, but he didn’t move a single bit.

“Look Erwin, you have no right asking me anything else than following orders.” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “As far as my involvement with the squad goes, I will follow reasonable orders regarding missions and training. There’s nothing more you could ask of me. I don’t owe you anything.” 

The frown on his forehead deepened and the furrowed bushes seemed bigger than ever before. I sighed but decided to continue once I’ve seen that he won’t.

“I’m not going to blindly trust anyone. Not my higher-ups, not my teammates, not other Scouts. I will follow orders and will not cause unnecessary trouble. In the end it wouldn’t help me at all. But trust is to be earned. You can’t ask me to just blindly hand it over.” I scowled and glared at him sharply.

I couldn’t figure out where he got the nerve to ask me to trust them from, but I couldn’t really find it in me to give a fuck either. He probably must have imagined it would go down differently. Well sorry to ruin those dreams, but that’s not how things work. 

Erwin sighed and after a few seconds decided to move on. "I don't know the whole situation and I don't think Levi would tell anyone what went down, but based on the feeling I got from this, I think you need to know something."

I had no idea what he was getting at so I just kept staring at him, probably looking slightly like an idiot.

"Levi had to make a decision. In both of those situations. There's no way to tell whether his decisions were right or wrong, or what the outcomes would be if he chose differently. And I can't tell you what your decisions should be either. That's for you and you only to decide."

He paused for a few seconds, his eyes focused on me.

"What I can tell you however, is that nobody can foretell the outcome. Levi was making the best decision he could in that moment. Each decision only holds meaning by affecting your next decision. So whatever it was that was pushing you forward in your decisions till now, make that the reason that will keep pushing you even further. Otherwise everything you've done till now loses meaning."

The room was silent as Erwin kept staring at me from behind his table, his brows slightly furrowed, his hands supporting his chin.

The memory of my mom crossed my mind. Then I thought of the promise and everything I did to keep it. And how that all would go to waste.

"Tch. Have some mercy with me." I shook my head but the corners of my mouth were twitching.

I saw Erwin smirk and relax a little. Then he let down his hands and his face became serious once again.

"If you make the best decision you can in that moment, never start regretting it." He paused for a second but I interrupted him before he could continue.

"Regret will eat you alive. No decision made then will be decision made with right mind." I said. "I've got that lesson already."

Erwin smirked again and his hands were back under his chin.

"Tell me one thing." I said as a small smile made its way on my face.

"What is it?" His eyebrows shot up in slight amusement.

"Why the fuck did you think bringing me here would be a good idea?" As I finished the sentence, I could see he was trying hard not to start laughing.

"A terrible soldier with an awful criminal record, risky true. Even then, the Scouts could use an amazing fighter. A single person like Levi can make a huge difference. I had no idea who you were, whether you'd comply, if you'd run away or cause problems. I actually didn't even know if we'd be able to catch you. But when I told Levi the rumors I heard about you, he actually seemed impressed, though I don't think he would ever admit that. And anyone who manages to impress Levi is worth the risk. So I made my best decision."

There was something really annoying about the look on Erwin's face and the tone of his voice. I couldn't believe this guy.

"What is your decision? Will you join me?" He seemed overly sure with the answer and I just had to bring him down a little.

"I'll wait a bit with my decision." I stood up and smirked when I saw the confusion on his face. As I was leaving towards the door, I gave him the reason. "You've still got to prove to me that humanity is worth saving."

Out of the corner of my eye I could see him shaking his head with a smile. Then I reached the door and left his office.

You really are cruel Erwin. Destroying my life the first time when you took my family away from me, the second time when you took my life away from me and now the third time when you tried to take my promise away from me.

I made a promise and I'm keeping it no matter what it takes. For you to say that the decisions I made in order to keep it would be meaningless, that the sacrifices I made would be meaningless, have some mercy with me.

I'd be damned to follow you Erwin. So go ahead. Prove it. Prove that people like my mom still exist in this world. Prove that humanity is still worth fighting for. Prove that your cause is worth dying for, Erwin.

I'd be damned.

With the thought of my mom in my mind I made my way down the corridors and towards the exit of the building. My thoughts were a jumbled mess and the amount of people around was becoming slightly overwhelming. I wasn’t used to having company at all but now I was surrounded by the whole regiment everywhere I looked. Too many people and too much noise.

I walked quietly through the door and slipped out of the without getting any attention. I walked along the building and towards the forest further away from anyone from the regiment.

I never regretted any of the decisions I made, I knew what that would mean. And I couldn't let everything go to waste just like that. I guess Levi did what he could to make the best decision, now it was my turn.

I walked in between the trees and found a small clearing. The trees seemed to spread out. Their branches seemed to make way for a stream of sunlight. I sat down at a base of one of the trees and leaned my back against its trunk.

I observed a bird fly up from one of the branches towards the sky and out of the forest. It reminded me of the few corners of the Underground were you could find a hole in the ceiling and glance up at the world outside, but never really reach it. 

I got lost in thought as I stared on the sky. I made it back. This was what I wanted the whole time I spent in the Underground, and yet somehow it didn’t feel right. I never imagined how it would feel to be out again. I didn’t let myself have any expectations. Yet, something was missing.

Reaching this upper world was supposed to be my way of taking complete control of my life once again. Not that I wasn’t in control before, but there was always something obstructing my choice. Up here, I was supposed to be free.

I guess being forced into the Scouting Legion didn’t count as free. Plus it needs to be taken into consideration that there is a high chance I would die on the next mission if I won’t manage to run away before it. I guess it would mean that I got out behind the walls at least. That was never something I thought I could do.

Still, it didn’t mean freedom. 

The Scouts were a cage just like the Underground. Maybe with a golden facade, but still a cage.

And I wasn’t sure which cage was better. If there is such a thing at all.

I closed my eyes and willed the feeling of being trapped away before it could completely cloud my mind. There was no time for this now. It was still too early before I got a chance to leave.

I enjoyed the feeling of sun on my face and the light breeze for a little longer. Then I opened my eyes and got up with a sigh. I didn’t need anyone freaking out and searching for me if I showed up late for the oh-so-exciting training.

I walked out of the forest, back into the building and towards the back door. I made it to the training fields and saw Levi's squad sparing. A few looks were cast my way as I walked towards them, but I decided to ignore them. By the time I reached them, Levi noticed me and turned towards me.

“Your ODM-gear.” He said handing me an extra set, previously laid down by his feet. “You need to be able to use it in a forest. The one behind is used as a training field.” He nodded his head backwards to a part of the forest behind us. “Also it’s a new model. I expect you to handle it. These ones actually work, compared to the old shit.” 

I nodded with a solemn face as I took the gear from his hands and started inspecting the way straps were connected together.

"How long is it since you used one with the holders still attached?" He asked, nodding towards the two blade holders, which were filled with spare blades.

"It's been a while. They were useless for me." He nodded but I could see the almost nonexistent twitch of the corners of his lips.

"There are titan dummies all over the place. Get yourself used to the gear, then focus on the dummies. Aim for the nape. Some of them have motion mechanisms. The squad will operate those" His face was back to the usual.  
I nodded and started to work on the straps as I walked to the forest. When I reached it's edge, I put the gear on, did final adjustments on the straps and tested out the familiar feeling of the controls in my hand. I tested out the different controls, seeing if they still work the same and whether they’re not stuck.

I shot the hooks into the forest and pushed myself into the air. 

Now let's see what this thing can do.

I flew through the forest, making sure I knew the way back, firstly just swinging around and getting used to the new gear. The reaction times of the gear were shorter. The possible angle of shooting was bigger. The precision of the hooks was better. They were steadier once they caught into something. The cables had longer reach and were faster. Overall, the new gear would allow for safer and faster transport, more complicates moves and attacks from more difficult angles. It wasn’t as loud as it used to be, I noticed and smirked. Finally someone realized ears exist.

I have forgotten how good it felt fly through the air like that. Though the sound was kind of annoying. I only used the gear when I had to, and even then very sparingly. I remembered the times when we used to do this with Isabel and Farlan. It hurt, but it was a nice memory which I really liked. One of the happy ones. In place like the Underground, the happy memories are rare.

It didn’t take long and I had a feeling that I knew what I was doing, so I flew up and landed on one of the branches. I put blades into the controls and drew them out of the holders. They weight was a bit foreign in my hands. I turned the controls around a couple times to figure out a way of holding them that fit me and to get used to weight shifting differently in my hands now.

When I looked up, I saw Levi standing on a branch a little further away from me. I nodded towards him and shifted my gaze to where the dummy trail was supposed to be. An irregular shadow was showing from behind on of the trees in front of me. Similar vague shapes were visible further on. 

I sent out the hooks and pushed from the branch forward. Soon two branches close to each other appeared in front of me. I shoot the hooks through the space between them, leaned backwards, and turned around. I passed between the branches, legs first, looking towards the ground, and was able to catch a glimpse of a wooden silhouette below me.

As I was directly above the dummy, I swung my arms downwards and cut out a piece of the rubber on the nape of its neck. Then I detached the hooks which sent me into free fall. I quickly caught one hook into the dummy, rounded it from below and landed on its neck to expect the damage I made and the impact it had on my blades.

The cut was deep enough and my blades stayed almost intact. I checked the gas tanks to see them filled enough and set off to continue through the course.  
The next dummy appeared soon enough, on my left, forcing me to take a sharp turn with one of the hooks fixed into the branch above it, flying around and up to avoid the dummy from safe enough distance. Once above its nape, I propelled myself into a spin using a little more gas and cutting through the rubber with a great speed. I decided not to waste more time and just continued without any pause.

As I continued through the forest, my eyes darting around, I hear a click to my right. I immediately detached my hooks and fell down a few meters as a dummy on a motion mechanism appeared above, exactly where I was a few seconds ago. I used the branch I caught my hooks into, to push myself backwards to the dummy and to its nape.

Next one was pretty easy. Another click alerted me as I flew forward, but this time I predicted where the dummy would be based on the tree and how the shadows moved, so I cut the nape clean as I flew above the dummy. 

Even though there were still many of them left, I was already getting the hang of it, changing the angle and rotation of my blades as needed and even striking from a few difficult angles for an attack.

I pushed myself off of a lower branch next to which I ended up after the last attack when a larger dummy moved in from of me, forcing me to flew sharply upwards and cut through its nape while doing so. I landed on a branch above it. The cut wasn’t as clean as the rest but it was deep enough.

I turned forward and pushed myself off, sending both hooks into trunks of trees around me, using momentum to move forward instead of gas this time. It put a bigger pressure on the cables, but it did save a significant amount of gas.

I swung through the forest and re-attached both of the hooks a couple times.

A snapping sound came from my right and I trembled in cold sweats.

It made me realize a terrible mistake I made.

I didn't check my gear properly.

I blindly trusted.

One of the cables gave out. It snapped harshly and threw off my balance. I was falling down hanging on the remaining cable, spinning on the way towards the ground. Any attempt at controlling the course would be useless.

I quickly discharged my blades so they wouldn’t hurt me when I landed. The ground was getting closer and the second cable quivered. The hook gave out under the weight and pressure applied by the fall.

As I fell towards the ground I covered my head and face with my hands, and my stomach and chest with my legs. I landed on my side and was sent off rolling on the ground. 

The impact pushed air out of my lungs. I was hitting rock and wigs, until I was tossed into a tree. I couldn't help but yelp. Then I landed on the ground with a thud. 

Finally my fall was stopped.

I was lucky that I didn't hit any bigger branch. And that I flew close enough to the ground so I wouldn't break into pieces, for that matter. 

My instincts quickly kicked in.

I gasped for air as I pushed myself to my hands and knees.

_I have to get up._

__

_I’m on the ground._

__

_I have to get up._

__

_I can’t stay on the ground._

__

_Get up._

__

_Never stay on the ground._

__

_Get up!_

__

_If you stay on the ground you're done for!_

____

The voice in my head was screaming and I finally managed to take in a deep breath which was followed by a series of coughs. I took another one and another one as I pushed myself up to my knees.

____

As I was getting my breathing under control, I leaned against the tree that I flew into and tried to sit. At least I wasn't in pieces. Or so it seemed so far. 

____

I barely had the time to examine what damage was done before I heard a swishing sound and soon Levi was standing in front of me.

____

"What the fuck happened?" His knuckles were white and his eyebrows were furrowed. He was piercing daggers through me with his look. Luckily, that one never worked on me.

____

"Who was handling my gear?" I pushed out firmly but quietly as I was still trying to catch my breath.

____

My question seemed to throw him off.

____

"I sent Oluo to bring one. Why does it matter?"

____

"One of the chords snapped. Half of the ending is clean. Somebody cut it."

____

I saw his features soften up slightly before the anger was back.

____

"That idiot." He growled and his fists clenched.

____

Then his face went back to the usual stern expression.

____

"Let's get you to the infirmary."

____

I nodded.

____

"Anything bleeding?" His voice was stern and he took a few steps towards me.

____

"No." I said as I pushed myself off the ground, leaning against the tree. I was almost standing when sharp pain pierced through my head followed by a wave of dizziness.

____

I felt Levi grab my arm and throw it around his shoulders before I'd topple back onto the ground. As he held my arm in place with his own, he put his second arm on my waist. I tried to focus on walking, but with the dizziness and my hand clutching my stomach where sharp pain appeared with every step I took, it was more of Levi carrying me.

____

Ugh. I must have looked awful.

____

I tried to somewhat compose myself. I focused all my strength into straightening up and walking without leaning so much on Levi. I could feel the squad around us staring at me but there was pair of eyes in particular that was pissing me off in that moment. Even then I kept my gaze locked on the edge of the forest. Levi on the other hand was sanding daggers everywhere he looked. Even I wouldn't want to be in his line of sight at that moment.

____

We made it out of the forest and walked over the fields towards the building. Some of the pain left already and I was able to walk somewhat straighter. As we reached the building, Levi practically threw the door open and stalked in only slowing down when he realized I was still holding onto his shoulder. 

____

People were practically jumping out of our way as we walked down the corridor. I kept my face stern and refused to show any more signs of pain than necessary, though in the moment there probably wasn't a part of my body that didn't hurt at least a bit. We finally appeared in front of the infirmary door and Levi barged in without knocking whatsoever. The door flew open, startling Hanji and making her fall of her chair.

____

"Hey, what..." she cut herself off immediately when she caught sight of me. "Oh, god. Here, on the bed." She hurried to my side. With her and Levi's help, I sat down on one of the beds and leaned against the wall to keep my stability.

____

"I'll come check on you when I figure out what the fuck was that idiot thinking." Levi growled, turned around and left the room without another glance back, shutting the door behind him. 

____

"What happened?" Hanji asked with disbelief in her voice. She reached for my jacket and helped me take it off. Then she started fiddling with the straps of my gear. Her eyebrows furrowed and she chewed on her lip a little. 

____

"The cords on my ODM-gear snapped and I kind of rolled onto the ground and into a tree." I forced out in between grunts as I tried to unbutton my shirt. The gear fell onto the bed and Hanji reached to help me with the buttons.

____

"What?! Huh… You know, most people wouldn't be standing after an accident like that." She said with her eyebrows pitched together. She reached for my arms, one at a time and checked to see if anything was broken or dislocated.

____

"You know, I'm not most people." I smirked. That point seemed to startle Hanji for a second. 

____

"Huh?” Then she burst out laughing. “True. Surviving in the middle of a war of gangs, alone, stands for something all right." She chuckled.

____

Next up for check were my ribs. I hissed slightly as she gently applied pressure here and there, searching for anything out of order. Then she moved onto my legs. After finding nothing broken and no serious open wounds, Hanji stood up from the bed and walked to a cabinet, rummaged through for a bit before pulling out a medical kit.

____

She proceeded to clean up smaller cuts that scattered all over my arms, legs and even my back. The disinfecting solution stang a bit. I caught a glimpse of the bruises scattered on my stomach and decided that I didn't want to know how my back looks. This early after the accident and they were already huge and bright purple.

____

"There you go." said Hanji soon enough as she put away all the supplies she used. "I have no idea how you managed, but you're more or less alright. Jeez, who the hell are you?" She straightened up and stared at me.

____

The disbelieving look on Hanji's face was quite amusing. She sighed and scratched the back of her neck. Hanji's features then loosened up, she let her hands fall down to her sides as a relieved smile made its way on her face.

____

"Well, I'm glad you managed to pull that off." She smiled even wider. "You should lie down and rest for a bit before Levi gets here." She motioned towards the bed, turned around to sit behind the table and scribbled something down on a piece of paper.

____

Her words struck something in me and a shiver ran down my spine.

____

I could hear Farlan's concerned voice in my head. 

____

 

____

_"Maybe you should lie down for a bit and rest. We'll see if it gets better before Levi gets here."_

____

 

____

My body froze and before I knew it, the words left my mouth.

____

"No. It's fine. No need." Damn it! So much for trying to not let anything show. Ugh.

____

"Huh? Okay?" Hanji turned around and I forced a smile on my face in hopes to make it seem less suspicious. She was obviously surprised and hesitated for a bit but she thankfully let it slide.

____

A moment after that, Levi came in, though this time considerably calmer than before. He seemed slightly relieved when his eyes landed on me. I guess I looked better now, thanks to Hanji.

____

"How's she?" Levi obviously directed the question towards Hanji, but his eyes never left me.

____

"More or less okay. The bruising looks ugly but nothing's broken, which is good. I cleaned a bunch of scratches and shallow cuts, no worries there. The only thing concerning would be a light concussion, so it would be good to keep an eye on her and to take it easy, but she should be perfectly fine." Hanji said while she continued to scribble down on her paper, most likely a medical report.

____

Levi only nodded his head without saying anything.

____

"Well, it's time for dinner. You should rest and we'll get you something." Hanji said as she turned around with a smile on her face and walked towards the door.

____

"I'll wait here." Levi crossed his arms in front of him and seemed that he wouldn't budge.

____

"No, it's fine. There's no need. Go eat something." I shooed him out of the room. He hesitated for a second. 

____

"Really. I could use some quiet time. I'll be fine." I pushed a little so he gave up and followed Hanji out of the room.

____

As soon as the door closed I sighed and let my head fall backwards. I closed my eyes and ran my hands over my face. One can keep looking strong only for so long... 

____

My head was pounding, my whole body hurt and I was tired. However, there were two things preventing me from sleeping. First one was that I haven't eaten anything yet. Second one was that I refused to be bedridden even if for a little while ever again.

____

After I let myself enjoy a little while of quiet, I decided to get up from the bed. Even if it was just a couple steps. I was not staying in that bed.

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With grunts I pushed myself off the wall and towards the edge of the bed, and let my feet fall to the ground. To keep the balance without leaning on something was painful, but I wasn't giving up. I gripped the edge of the bed for support and took a deep breath to prepare for the next move.

____

I pushed myself up and pain shot through my body, forcing me to shut my eyes. Half standing I took a little break to catch my breath and let the pain fade a little. Then I continued and forced myself up again. My knuckles were completely white as I was gripping the bed and I almost lost my balance, but managed to regain it.

____

Next up was walking. My bed was in a corner, so I made a few tiny steps while gripping the bed towards the wall and then leaned against it. Then I did a step forward. And one more. Maybe I could reach the window?

____

Before I had the chance to contemplate the possible destination of my short walk, the door opened again revealing shocked Levi with a bowl in his hand and Hanji standing behind him. His expression quickly changed into a pissed one. He immediately put the bowl down onto the nearest table and hurried towards me.

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"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" He almost yelled as he tried to move me from the wall towards the bed while I tried to push him away.

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“Everything’s fine. I’m just walking it off a little.” I grumbled as Levi tried to push me back. I knew it sounded stupid but I really didn’t have any other reason prepared. I stared at the ground and wished they’d let it be.

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“Like hell you are! Stop being stupid and go back to the freaking bed!” He started maneuvering me back to the bed somewhat harsher, though I could tell he was being careful.

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"I'm not staying in bed without trying to get up!" I protested but he completely disregarded all my weak tries to oppose him and slowly walked me towards the bed. 

____

"If you stay lying down you're done for! I can't just lie down and stay! I can't..." By that point I was sitting down again, leaning against the wall, too exhausted to protest anymore. I started to panic.

____

“I can’t…” My voice hitched and a wave of fear washed over my body. I flinched and started trembling.

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Hanji saw it and sat down next to me, putting her hand comfortingly on my shoulder.

____

"Hey, hey. It's okay. You're fine. Everything is okay." Hanji kept repeating calmly while Levi took the bowl with soup from the table and went to hand it to me.

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"It's different this time. We'll be here tomorrow, if that's what you're worried about."

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His words shut me up. I froze and I stared at him. 

____

Levi forced the bowl into my shaky hands. He hesitated a little but then he sighed and went to sit into a chair by the table. My gaze dropped into the soup. I hesitantly took the spoon and stirred it a bit before forcing myself to eat at least some of it.

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I gave up after few spoons and shifted towards the table but the bowl was quickly taken from my hand and put on the table by Hanji, which brought a scowl onto my face. I hated being forced to rely on someone else. I glared at the ground, refusing to meet anyone’s eye as my hands clenched into fists.

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"You should get some sleep, it's quite late." She said carefully, which didn't help my scowl at all.

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"I'll stay and keep an eye on her." Levi's seemingly disinterested voice slightly startled her.

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"Huh? Okay. I should go to sleep too. Good night." She got up from the bed and left the room, closing the door carefully behind her.

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After a few seconds long stare off with Levi I sighed and slowly laid down. He stood up, turned off the lights and went back to the chair. I turned towards the wall and it didn't take long before the exhaustion got the better of me.

____


End file.
